Kristina Ferrari Psychotherapy

Welcome to modern therapy! Where offices are designed thoughtfully, beautifully and deserving of all that's shared within its four walls. This new space is located in the Olde Kensington area of Philly. So now whether you're near the mainline or the city, there's an office conveniently located. Looking forward to seeing clients in this space I designed once it's safe and appropriate to do so.

Say it louder for the folks in the back. Most of us weren’t gifted with the circumstances to do intimacy well. Most of us struggle with it. Most of us think we’re doing it, but we’re not. Some of us blame our partners for their lack of ability to do it. Many of us devalue it or, claim we don’t want it, need it, or see much use for it. Few of us admit it, but most of us don’t really understand it. Some of us try it, occasionally, then claim it’s the other person’s turn t...o do it. Most of us actually have no idea what the heck we’re doing. Some of us crave it, some of us hate it, some of us want it but can’t figure out how to get it. None of us do it perfectly all the time. All of us deserve it. The two most important ingredients for it? Time and repetition. Meaning you need to practice it often and over a long period of time. There’s no quick fix, but each attempt regardless of how well it goes acts as the growth factor for it.

Welcome to real life folks. What attracts us to people initially usually has little to do with the factors that make conflict resolution possiblelet alone productive and connective. Nobody teaches how to do conflict well. It’s not a class in high school (although, it absolutely should be). We aren’t born with these tools. In fact, some of our biology actively works against us here because our nervous system is wired to detect threat. If we’re super lucky our parents or car...egivers demonstrated this dance (rupture and repair) in a healthy way, but more likely than not we learned some not so great things from them. Because, again, nobody taught them how to do it either. It’s ok to suck at this. It’s ok to need help. There isn’t anything wrong with you. You’re normal and typical. Here’s the good newsit’s possible to learn new ways of interacting. To form new habits of connection. To turn towards your partner when everything in your body is telling you to run. To experience conflict as a pathway towards intimacy. To have an entirely new relationship with disagreements. It ain’t always sim

One of the things I love most about my job is being able to help people see something they haven’t been able to see before. Not because they aren’t caring or wise or observant or invested or reflective, but because they are too close to it. So close to their own story that they couldn’t possibly see what’s happening all around them. It’s like looking at your relationship under a microscope where you’re seeing one thing blown way out of proportion relative to the other thing...s, but you have no idea the other things exist because you don’t know you’re looking through a microscope. Just seems normal to you. What is universally true is that every relationship is perfectly designed to get the results it gets. The things that happen (or don’t happen) in a relationship occur because the system is architected that way. Wondering why you continue to have the same conflicts in the same way? Because the system is built that way. The good news is that since you created this system, you can create a new one. The first step in doing so is recognizing that you’re participating in the system. It doesn’t matter if you’re the quiet one or the boisterous one, the one who actively looks to engage or the one who retreats, the one who notices every misattunement or the one who is oblivious to it all, the critical one, the accepting one, the growth oriented one, the content one, the one who believes they are accepting responsibility, the one who believes it’s all the other person’s fault, the right one, the wrong one, the one who knows nothing, the one who knows everything and all the stuff in between. Any person in a relationship, every person in a relationship, is contributing to the system. And every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets. Back away from the microscope and ask yourselfhow am I contributing to the system?

Perhaps the least effective intervention known to mankind. Part of being relational is understanding the needs of the person you’re in relationship with. And then modifying your engagement style to be in service of what would help that person be relational with you. How do you know what might be helpful? Simpleask. What do you need in this moment? How can I help? What would feel good for you right now?... Don’t tell them what to do. Ask them what they need.

You’re together. You’re disrupted. You find each other. You’re close. You’re far apart. You come back together. You’re connected. You’re disconnected. You’re reconnected.... You’re attracting. You’re repelling. You’re magnetizing. This is how trust is developed. Not through the absence of conflict or the presence of pure harmony, but in the living, being, experiencing and re-experiencing of the whole cycle.

The goal of a relationship is not to finally get over your ex. It’s not to compensate for the job you hate. A relationship can’t make up for the attention you didn’t get from your parents. Your partner can’t love you enough to eradicate parts of yourself that you dislike. It’s not a panacea for failed friendships, financial losses, physical ailments or spiritual upheavals. No person will erase the memory of pain you’ve felt at the hands of another. No relationship, no partner, no matter how amazing they may be, is enough to make all the things that don’t feel ok vanish. Relationships are not places where we get over things. They’re spaces where we share, explore, discover and reveal things. All the things that simply don’t feel ok.

Remember those days sitting on the seesaw in the playground? I do. And I recall being petrified when I was the one at the top. At the time, and until I actually sat with that memory, I assumed I had a fear of heights. That simply being that far off the ground was scary and distressing. What I see now is that it wasn’t the height, but the lack of control. Someone else was responsible for getting me back down. My partner was in the power position. Now we can use this a...nalogy in all sorts of ways to conceptualize romantic relationships (teamwork, generosity, communication, balance), but one thing is markedly clear the person at the bottom of the seesaw holds a great deal of personal power. They aren’t in total control, but they have a lot of say in what happens next. So often in our relationships, we experience a sense of powerlessness. We need our partner to do something or stop doing something in order for us to be ok, to find peace and calm, to restor, to simplify it, to feel safe. But that’s like asking the person at the top of the seesaw to move you when you’re at the bottom just sitting there like dead weight. Makes no sense. Are there ways you are abdicating your power? You are thwarting change in others with the lack of change in yourself? You are assuming a position of defeat without ever having attempted to navigate different terrain? Even if you think you’re right and your partner is wrong. You’re seeing it with completely objective eyes and anyone would agree with your position, power always resides with the one who is willing to move.

Nobody really thought "in sickness and in health" would include a pandemic. It’s ok to need help. If you could use some support with your relationship let’s talk! We’ll meet via video chat, so no face masks required. DM me or reach out through the link in my bio.

In social psychology, fundamental attribution error is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational explanations for an individual's observed behavior while over-emphasizing dispositional and personality-based explanations for their behavior. This effect has been described as "the tendency to believe that what people do reflects who they are. So what does this mean? Well, it basically means that we tend to believe our partners do or don’t do certain things because ...of some fundamental character defect. He’s always late because he doesn’t value my time. She didn’t make dinner because she’s selfish and uncaring. They never pick the kid up from school because they don’t take responsibility for parenting and supporting the children. But here’s the thingmost of us don’t tend to see ourselves that way. We see our behavior as circumstantial. I was late because of traffic. I didn’t make dinner because I was pulled into a meeting at work. I wasn’t able to pick the kid up from school because the calendar app didn’t update the early dismissal. The choices I make, the behaviors I exhibit are a result of the circumstances I’m in they don’t say anything specific about me. But we rarely offer the same grace to our partners. We are more likely to give ourselves a pass, the benefit of the doubt, the easy out and then to assign an essential flaw to our significant other. And thus we label them lazy, cruel, selfish, egotistical, stupid, mean, etc. Over time a repetitive cycle like this can have devastating effects on the relationship. It creates a divide, it fosters resentment and animosity, it rots the foundational elements of generosity and connection, of oneness. The next time you’re feeling some type of way about what your partner did or didn’t do, ask yourself, Is this fundamental to him? Does this character assignment reflect who I know her to be? Can I express my frustration/pain/fear/sadness/disappointment without demeaning or demoralizing my partner? Here’s one way that tends to work begin with your feeling state. I feel _________ when you ________. I feel unimportant when you look at your phone during dinner. Any others?