Lancaster Monorail

Governor Wolf has determined that municipal monorail service is non-essential and we are doing our last run to Gap Lighthouse at 2PM today. Thanks for your support during this difficult time. We hope to be upgrading our wi-fi systems during the break to be compliant with Draft-n standards for your convenience on all of our cars. We're also reconsidering our dining options and we'd love to hear what you want to see on our new and improved menu upon or return. Peace out, nuts!

Death and hatred to mankind.

Shouting out to all our fans! Free rides all night!

First Friday is Fist Friday here at Lancaster Monorail! Wave your fist at us like a senile old man and you could win a free fare, an 8-ounce slushie from that gas station in Kinzers, and a 3-inch dildo from Mister Fister!

We'd like to thank the fine people at the Gap Lighthouse for all their positive press on the monorail. We'd also like their mailing address because Skidmark and The Lighthouse keeper were doing some pretty evil shit in the back of the car and left quite a mess.

Welcome to Lancaster, Quilters!!! We have transportation to and from the quilting event at the Convention Center from the Amtrak station with free drinks (21 and older only). We also feature Sybian seating in the rear.

Hello from Lancaster Monorail! We've been away and we know you've missed us. We're ready for the 2019 season and we're looking for some talented individuals to fill several open positions here. We need conductors, engineers, marketing, accounting, and mechanics. To apply, send a recent selfie, holding up your middle finger so we know you took it for us. Bonus points awarded for fewer clothes.

A handsome, bound, five volume guide to new city recycling rules is available in our cafe car:

Dutch Wonderland no longer links up their monorail to ours, due to an unfortunate adult-diaper-related incident on Labor Day. We are truly sorry for the mess.

Our funding is drying up! Call President Trump and ask him to approve the omnibus spending bill that is now in the Senate; we only need 6 billion a year to operate!

Some love from Strasburg:

We love late night explosions!

The flooding has subsided and the monorail is back in business! Unfortunately, we shut down for the night in 7 minutes and it's supposed to rain until Sunday, but we're trying!