Cynthia Ryan Otto MS, LPC, CAADC

Trauma occurs when we have no choice. Where we have to deny or betray parts of who we are to gain the love, approval, + validation from the people we were depen...dent on for survival. We go through life as wounded children in adult bodies. The pattern of self betrayal was an attempt to protect us. To get the love we needed. The issue is, we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t even know ourselves. So many of us have been performing, playing roles, hurting ourselves (many of these ways are socially accepted or admired like ‘workaholism,’ chronic busyness, or self neglect through putting everyone else’s needs first. Choice creates healing. Small conscious choices. Waking up 10 minutes early to journal, placing that boundary, deciding you’re going to put on headphones + dance around the house. Choices just for you. The more choice, the more our inner child begins to relax. Where there’s choice, there is trust. We have to show up over + over again for that inner child to witness that someone (us) is now there to keep them safe #selfhealers

https://www.amazon.com//ref=cm_sw_r_fa_api_glt_fabc_RZR2DT

Today I read a post from someone who wrote extensively about being harassed for following me. As I read the allegations I could feel my heart start to pound. I’...ve read these allegations (that couldn’t be further from my truth) many times + came to a relative state of peace. Today, I did not feel that peace. I felt anger + the impulse to defend myself. All signs that I was fully within my ego. Walking our own unique path takes courage. It takes being uncomfortable being vulnerable. Allowing others to have their own reality while honoring our own. I wrote this prayer, mantra, affirmation for all of us. As we heal, as parts of ourselves die so that new parts may be expressed. As we grieve. As we learn the hardest thing to do in the human experience: to surrender. To allow all that’s happening without attempting to control the narrative. To show up over + over again as a peaceful warrior in full knowing of the truth of our power. Let’s us remember who we actually are: loving awarenesseven when our egos temporarily blind is to this truth #selfhealers

https://www.psychologytoday.com//4-ways-heal-childhood-wou

The internal emotional world reflects outward. Observe yourself. Observe those around youyou’ll find this to be true. Ego will resist this because it loves to make things personal. That’s how it feels valid #selfhealers

I have no memories of my childhood, teenage years, + most of my adulthood. I only realize this wasn’t normal when I’d be with friends or partners + they would r...ecall all different part of their lives. I couldn’t share much. I had no idea. At one point, I questioned if I been sexually assaulted a young age + completely blocked out memories. Deep down, I always knew something was off. Because I’d never experienced what I was trained to believe trauma was: severe abuse + neglect. It wasn’t until my partner stated jokingly saying I was in a spaceship (her word for when I was physically present but mentally absent) that I started to pay more attention. Then, a friend told me someone from our psychoanalytic training said I was aloof. This shocked me, because in my mind we had a connection. What I came to understand was that I HAD gone through trauma. It’s why I’m so passionate about expanding the definition. Trauma is not just the ‘big’ things. In fact, trauma cannot be measured by the event. It’s all the impact. It’s the way the brain + body process that impact. No two people experience trauma the same + at its core trauma is the loss of connection to Self. A loss that leads to deep loneliness + isolation. In my case, my mother was emotionally disconnected + chronically ill. Distracted by her own wounding + pain, she couldn’t connect with me. This emotional abandonment cause my adaptive response of dissociating. And, because I learned quickly the way to be seen was through achievement, I achieved. I believe MANY overachievers have high levels of dissociation. A trauma response rewarded by society. Where everyone else in your life believes you’re ok, but internally there’s immense pain. Have you ever experienced dissociation? #selfhealers

Trauma bonds are relationships where two people unconsciously re-enact trauma patterns from their childhood in their adult relationships. We learned relationshi...ps through our earliest attachments. The dynamics, the communication, boundaries, coping mechanisms all of this came from what we witnessed. For many of us, love from parents or caregivers meant chaos. Emotional abandonment. Punishment, or shame. These emotions activate nervous system responses + hormonal responses that our mind + body learn early. These strong emotional states become associated with bonding or closeness. When we experience them in adulthood, we become emotionally flooded just as we did as children. For many of us, love is only felt when we have this strong emotional activation. Healing is unlearning. Re-learning security in the body. Observing our patterns with curiosity + non-judgement. We repeat what we know, until we expand our consciousness to create choice #selfhealers

https://blogs.psychcentral.com//10-things-you-need-to-kn/

She is always on point!

Growing up, when my mom was angry or upset, she would go to silent treatment. Sometimes this would last days or weeks. And if she was really, really upset it co...uld be months. This was very painful as a child + it was my normal. I learned that when people disagreed with something they did, they would shut down. Not surprisingly, this same pattern was in my moms home growing up with her father. This is emotionally immaturity on display. The inability to communicate, to share emotions, + to tolerate multiple realities. When we’re emotionally immature, we consistently invalidate other people without awareness. We deny their experiences. We believe that if we don’t have complete agreement, we are threatened personally. This is why what is often called ‘gaslighting’ is so common: emotional immaturity doesn’t allow us to hold space for any other viewpoint other than our own limited perspective. As I work to heal my own emotional maturity (I still have my own daily battles), I believe one of the most important practices is emotional regulation. Pausing. Breathing. Practicing space between event + response, rather than unconsciously having knee jerk emotional reactions. Consciousness allows us to view these situations without judgment to find new patterns of behavior. Some journal questions: 1. How do I react when I feel misunderstood? 2. When someone presents an opinion or interpretation of an event I’ve experienced that’s different from my own, how do I react? 3. How often do I push my own view as ‘right’ or unconsciously seek to dominate/control an interaction? 4. When I was young + someone I loved denied my reality how did it feel? (Note what this brings up in the body) 5. When I place a boundary + someone responds negatively, how can I honor my own need of self compassion without letting that person cross the boundary? 6. What do I connect over in my relationships? How do I feel after connecting in this way? (Fulfilled, motivated, peaceful, drained, frustrated) #selfhealers

Childhood trauma causes a disconnection from self. Disconnection from self causes us to outsource our worth, our knowing, + our reality. This codependency condi...tioning puts our emotional state in the hands of another person. How they feel about us becomes how we feel about ourselves. We become a human performance. An avatar of a person we believe should receive love. Betraying parts of ourselves, we create a shadow self. The shadow self is parts of us we deny. Denial causes suffering. So many of us have social anxiety or general anxiety because on a spiritual level we are deeply disconnected from our true initiative state. From our authentic self. Instead, we are completely identified with the ego the thought patterns of the mind. The ego creates stories based on our early trauma. Like a broken record it speaks about comparison, lack, + judgment. This tape plays in our mind all day long. Lost in thought, we are our thoughts. We are sleepwalking. In an unconscious autopilot re-creating past dynamics in the present. Our work is to expand our consciousness. Consciousness is simply awareness. It’s observing (without judgement) like a curious student of self. What do I think? How do I speak? How do my relationships make me feel? How do I respond when I’m triggered? What behavioral patterns do I have? This is the journey of returning home. The integration of mind, body, + soul that we lost as children raised by wounded humans who lost their own connection to self. Do you identity any (usually more than one) of these within you? #selfhealers

The relationship with your parents sets the foundation of every relationship you have. At birth, we need our caregivers because our survival depends on it. The ...most profound influence on our emotional development comes these relationships. When these relationships are not secure meaning there’s betrayal, emotional neglect (not meaningful deep connection where mutual feelings can freely be shared), or where there’s a parent with their own unresolved traumas that are projected onto a child: there’s wounding we carry into adulthood. When we don’t acknowledge + begin to do the daily work to heal, we unconsciously begin to project these wounds. The most conflicted relationship with a parent will be projected onto a partner. Our relationship dynamics become similar to the parent-child relationship. This looks like: -chronically checking in or attempting to make a partner chronically check in -chronically monitoring (or being monitored) in how you use your time -labeling your partner as good or bad -controlling (fear based) behavior -misguided attempts to get attention/recognition/validation: acting out, blaming, provoking arguments -believing or acting as if a partner should meet all of your needs -believing or acting as if your partner is responsible for your emotional state If these dynamics exist (on some level they do for all of us) this is natural + human. Our work in conscious relationships is to observe this. Communicate openly about this. And to hold space for each other’s experience without judgement (something few of us experienced in childhood.) What is the biggest lesson you’ve had in your relationships? #selfhealers

At the root of childhood trauma is not being seen, heard, or able to authentically express oneself. Without parents/caretakers who show us how to emotionally re...gulate (process difficult emotions + how express our needs then get them met, we begin to cope through taking on different roles. These roles become unconscious manifestations of our childhood experience. The caretaker: typically comes from codependency/enmeshment dynamics. Feels a sense of identity + self worth through neglecting ones own needs to meet another persons. Views others as a means to feel wanted. The overachiever: attempts to seen, heard + valued through external achievement as a way to cope with low self worth. Views others as a way to source self esteem. The underachiever: attempts to stay small/unseen/below authentic potential due to fear of criticism or shame that was once experienced. Views others as threatening + distrusting. The rescuer/protector: ferociously attempts to rescue or protect those around them as an attempt to heal from the time that they were vulnerable + in need of protection. Views others as helpless, incapable, + dependent. The life of the party: the always happy/always cheerful comedic person. Never shows pain. Never vulnerable. Was likely shamed for their emotional state in childhood. Views others as a way to demonstrate that they are ok. The always available one: drops everything nearly 24/7. Neglects all needs. Was modeled self sacrifice + codependency patterning. Views others as a way to demonstrate they’re both good + selfless. The hero worshiper: has childhood wounding from caregivers that has not been resolved. Views parents/family as super human, perfect, + without fault. Rejects needs, desires, + autonomy to fulfill family system role. Views others as a way to show what perfection looks like. Any resonate? #selfhealers

Now more than ever this rings true for our first responders and hospital workers. Self care is vital in order to survive these trying times. https://www.psychologytoday.com//cynthia-ryan-otto-/406428 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/compassion-fatigue