Smokin' Dick’s

To our Valued Customers, In response to the escalating global novel coronavirus (COVID-19) hoax, Smokin’ Dick’s has decided to remain open for business in flagrant defiance of Gov. Tom Wolf’s orders for a statewide shutdown of all bars, restaurants and nonessential businesses in Pennsylvania. Throughout March, April, and beyond, our patrons can expect the same great food, drink, service, and entertainment they’ve come to expect from State College’s #1 bar.... Smokin’ Dick’s management did not reach this decision in haste. It required several hours of researching various 4chan and Reddit posts as well as viewing numerous Alex Jones videos. From our study of these scholarly publications, we learned that this so-called pandemic is nothing more than a global Illuminati conspiracy, manufactured for the purposes of seizing control of various world governments and to precipitate a global stock market collapse by which they profit via insider trading. Despite the relentless campaign of disinformation and fear currently being waged by corrupt federal, state, and local health officials, Smokin’ Dick’s won’t be fooled by the deep-state’s web of lies! We have no intention of ever shuttering our doors, and run the risk of missing out on the potential bonanza of revenue we stand to earn by remaining the only open bar in State College. We thank you for your continued patronage, Smokin’ Dicks P.S. Corona bottles are only $2 from 10-to-midnight all week long!

Last night, famed actress, Lady Sansa of House Stark, the Hanson Brothers, and Deepak Chopra’s daughter unexpectedly appeared at Champs Downtown for a surprise concert of sorts. As expected, news of the celebrity sighting quickly spread throughout the downtown, and we at Smokin’ Dick’s fully expected these Hollywood luminaries to finish-up their pre-gaming there, and eventually move on to Penn State’s #1 bar to finish-off the night.. But for some unknown reason, they never s...howed up. This was obviously an enormous disappointment for us, especially since we had taken numerous steps to make them feel extra welcome, such as removing the homeless sleeping drunks from our booths, mopping up the urine puddles from our ongoing bathroom plumbing leaks, and advertising a $2 Jägermeister & Tonic special. We’re frankly not sure whether to blame Champ’s, the Hanson Brother’s record label, Deepak Chopra, or the HBO producers of Game of Thrones for this insult, but rest assured, Smokin’ Dick’s intends to conduct a full investigation into this matter, to find out who’s to blame! In the meantime, we’re attempting to up our game by booking more celebrities to appear at Smokin’ Dick’s, so that we can stay on par with those fucking pricks over at Champ’s. We are currently negotiating with Bret The Hitman Hart’s publicist, and we’re relatively certain that we can get Patrick Swayze’s brother, Don Swayze, to appear as well. NOBODY puts Smokin’ Dick’s in a corner!

Many of our patrons are probably wondering why there have been so many police cars parked in front of Smokin’ Dick’s all afternoon. (We know that it kinda looks like the Lions Den around here.) The truth is that we’ve spent most of the day answering questions from State College Police Department detectives about our alleged involvement in this fraternity incident. Despite whatever rumors you may have heard, Smokin’ Dick’s would like to assure our customers that we had no inv...olvement whatsoever in this altercation. We deny any and all involvement in sending bouncers over to the Delta Chi house to collect any money which those candy-ass frat boy fuckheads may or may not have lost betting on the NFC in the Pro Bowl. We sincerely hope that nothing like this ever occurs again at the Delta Chi fraternity, however that’s entirely up to them. We thank you for your continued patronage.

A lot of State College bars, like Lions Den, ENVY Nightclub, and Zeno's are pussing-out and closing their doors tonight, just because of a few light snow flurries. Smokin’ Dick’s never closes during inclement weather. We are open for business and more than happy to absorb all of the revenue that these other second-rate bars would have made if they weren’t so chickenshit about the weather conditions. So stop in and enjoy a refreshing adult beverage tonight! $4 Sloppy Snow Jobs... $3 Trailer Park Sangria $3 Vodkaritas $2 Chokinchickens $1 Four Lokos $12 Box Wine (5-liter)

The party is in full-effect here at Smokin’ Dick’s! The ball is about to drop in Times Square, and later on, we’re going to be dropping some balls on your girlfriend’s chin! Everyone have a safe and happy New Year’s 2019!! (Make sure to avoid cops if you drive home drunk.)