Toilet Paper Conspiracy

Last week we talked about the most recent plight in toilet paper conspiracy, this week we go back to where it all began. Abraham Lincoln's assassination is surrounded by intrigue and many conspiracies have been proposed over the years. Recently, it has been exposed that there is more to the story than what meets the eye. The year is 1865. Lincoln has just freed the slaves. Who would benefit the most? Clearly, the toilet paper conglomerate that is Big TP comes out on top AGAI...N. Lincoln freed the slaves under pressure from Big TP. Without the more cost-efficient slave workers, the price of cotton would skyrocket, making the reusable cloth sanitary wash rag unpopular in households around the world. Big TP was poised to have their toilet paper launch to popularity, and with it commercial production volumes. Lincoln was set to publicly announce his love of the bidet, and was planning the establishment of the United National Office of the Bidet (U-NOB). The main goal for U-NOB was advancing knowledge of bidet installation and maintenance. Lincoln saw constantly paying for paper to wipe your posterior as perhaps a greater evil than slavery. That was until Big TP hired John Wilkes Booth, and the rest goes down to history. Potential proof of this plot was recently uncovered in going through the records of Clarke and Sons Couriers; who apparently delivered 10,000 rolls of 3-ply to Booth's mother in 1866. It is estimated that this much toilet paper would be worth well over $120 million today. Why would they need so much toilet paper? How could they afford such a load? Only history knows for sure. It is by no coincidence though, that Lincoln's statue does resemble a man enjoying the use of his Bidet in freedom. Chase Reynolds - Toilet Paper Conspiracy Theorist

Coronavirus In order to find out who is responsible for Coronavirus, you have to look at who will benefit the most. Who has been able to benefit more than those rascals? the toilet paper conglomerates, or Big TP for short. Big TP has experienced a surge in sales, emptying supermarket shelves and leaving all of humanity at mercy for eight squares of 2-ply. Months ago the toilet paper executive was considered a boring husk of a person, but they now live in luxury. Wait until yo...u hear about Big TP and 5g. 5g or Fifth Generation Toilet Paper Delivery; a drone delivery system sending toilet paper directly from manufacturer to consumer, with the toilet paper still charged out at a premium, above-market price. HM Kelly is the pseudonym of our source, who must remain safe after mainstream media outlets refused the story and revealed the source of the leak. Kelly said in a direct quote "Listen, my real name is Roger Goldsmith, but use a different name." before explaining that Big TP will increase their profit margins using 5g, cutting out the middle-man and crippling smaller businesses in doing so. People will lose jobs at the hands of Big TP and Big TP are just fine with that. "Consider getting a bidet" Kelly added. We will do our best to keep you informed as more information comes to light. Chase Reynolds - Toilet Paper Conspiracy