L. L. Mulhollem Counseling and Psychotherapy, LLC

How Did the President Do? Your first thought may be He has done amazing work, or He has done a lousy job. But first you might want to find out what I am referring to the economy? The Virus? Foreign affairs? Or, even still, you might need to see if we are talking about the same President. Over the course of our history, we have had Commander-in-Chiefs who have had to make gut wrenching decisions about whether to enter a war or not. Some have overseen recoveries from deva...stating hurricanes or pandemics. Still others have experienced a relatively calm and peaceful Presidency with few hiccups. Some would say the greatest President was . . . and they might name one who didn’t make any major blunders. Others might indicate the likes of Abraham Lincoln, who navigated this country through one of its most challenging times. I have even heard some say that _____________ (fill in the blank), would have been a great President if he hadn’t faced so much adversity, because who he appeared to be is not really who he was. An anonymous professor once said, Who you are in adversity is who you are. You see, the pressures that come with adversity have the ability to place our character on display. It is easy to appear to have it together when sailing a boat on calm waters. But how do we do in a raging storm? Adversity rips the façade off of our slick promotional publications and reveals if there is any substance underneath. I encourage you to do a little internal examination today. Who are you deep down when the waters are raging? Because who you are there is who you are! - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Do You Have a Windshield Wiper Marriage? Part 1 Now this may sound like a strange question. But think about it what do windshield wipers do? You may be thinking, Isn’t it obvious? They get the rain off of the windshield. While that is certainly correct, I want you to visualize how they operate. Hmm, well they are synchronized and operate together to get the job done. That is absolutely true. But the reason one relationship expert coined this term is that while the do ...accomplish the task, they never intersect. More and more frequently, I am seeing marriages of 25, 30, or 35 years that fit this description. It doesn’t happen overnight but it typically is a gradual transition. It isn’t anything that either party does on purpose. It is just that without intentionality to prevent it it happens. Think about it. If you are in a lengthy marriage with kids, it wasn’t always this way. Starting out of the gate your relationship was a priority to each other. But the kids came along and they require focus and attention. Before long, you are running one kid to piano lessons while your spouse takes the other to football practice; while one of you attends the piano recital the other is supporting the other child by being at their game. There is certainly nothing wrong with any of this. However, if we let this continue for 18 years, the kids go off to college and we find ourselves living with a stranger. Like the windshield wipers, we got the job done, but we never interacted and our relationship grew cold. But it doesn’t have to remain this way. There are steps you can take to prevent it in the first place or, if you are already there, strategies to revitalize your marriage. Next time, in part 2, we will look at some of those specific steps. I promise you there is hope! - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Talking to one of our therapist yesterday we discussed something that I feel is very important to share. One of the most important things a parent children is creating an atmosphere of unconditional love. This also means if they do something wrong or something irritates you that you never reject them. He is a great example of if you have an infant who cried or dirty diaper would you ever reject them? We need to keep the same perspective with our children as they grow. This does not mean that we do not discipline them, you choose. But it does mean are you always need to let them know that you were there to support them and love them no matter what they do. This is the foundation of attachment theory.

What are Your Accomplishment Goals? That seems like a reasonable enough question. I mean everyone needs goals for what they would like to accomplish right? While that certainly may be true, the question turns into what kinds of things do we want to accomplish and are there differences that matter? Things that people want to accomplish run the gamut. For some it may be earning lots of money, getting a promotion, or being named employee of the month. For others it could entai...l things such as hitting the next level of a particular video game, breaking a personal best in a marathon, or getting in your 10,000 steps each day. I have a friend who has sometimes found himself at the end of the day with 9,500 steps, so he has gone outside and walked around the house until he gets his 10,000 steps. Still other individuals desire to spend their energies feeding the homeless every weekend or volunteering at a local elementary school helping kids Improve their reading scores. The point here is that not all goals are equal and some accomplishments are more significant than others. I hope that we can see that building a school for elementary children in a third world country, is likely to make a bigger impact than setting the record at a hotdog eating contest. So, today I would urge you to consider what your accomplishment goals are for 2021. Whether they seem high and lofty or somewhat trivial, the bigger question is what kind of impact will they have on others? If I accomplish my goals, will they be meaningful to me? Will they make a difference in people’s lives? Or will they simply inflate my already oversized ego? Now while there is certainly nothing wrong with having goals like winning a game, it is the more important accomplishments that are likely to lead to happiness and satisfaction. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Do You Need a Demolition Crew? Part 1 Do you remember when you first began dating your mate? I know that for some, that may have been a long time ago. But one of the things that we hopefully experience that keeps us coming back, is a sense that we can trust this person. We trust them not just to be physically safe but emotionally as well. We envision being able to talk openly with no reservations. But then something happens and you have your first argument; you walk away ...feeling hurt. Now you find yourself more hesitant to be open, which leads to the placement of the first brick in your wall of avoidance. If we are not careful, we may find that, unintentionally, with one brick at a time, we have constructed a massive wall over which we can no longer see. But it is not just that wall there are others that we construct as well. Author Debra Fileta lists several walls that she sees people build in their relationships a wall of invalidation, a wall of denial, a wall of passive-aggression, and a wall of humor. You see, we don’t start out with the intention of building walls. But if we are not diligent in preventing them, we may wake up one day surrounded by a seeming fort. That is when it is time for demolition. It is time to tear down the walls. Since I see clients daily with well-constructed walls, I know that they don’t always come down quickly or easily. But they can come down, even if it is the way they went up one brick at a time. Not wanting to sound trite in that statement I will use the next few Relationships Tip blogs to address more specifically ways to accomplish this. But in the meantime, avoid buying more bricks. Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Do You Want Attention? Now my wife would say No. She does not like to be the center of attention. However, she likes to have my attention just as I like to have hers. A 2017 study on relationship experiences was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The research found that on days that a person’s partner had supported them or said something that made them feel loved, people reported higher relationship quality. Now while that is not at all surpris...ing, the statement is significant. You see, most of us want to be #1 in our spouse’s life. We don’t ask them to walk around waving one of those big foam hands that proclaim, You’re #1, but we want that position in their eyes. And it really doesn’t take much to communicate that. We can do it with little text messages during the day, perhaps bringing them coffee in the mornings, or special bagels home from Panera. Just today, as I was at my office about to eat my lunch, I noticed a small note that my wife had snuck into my lunch that simply said, Love you. It took her all of 10 seconds to write that, but that little note communicated to me that I have my wife’s attention and it feels great! We don’t have to buy our mate a new car to express love. It is best done in the small, but consistent, little things. What can you do today that would let your husband or wife know You have my attention? - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Do You Want to Enjoy Pleasure? Now you are probably thinking, Well, that’s a silly question. Of course I want to enjoy pleasure. Who doesn’t? And I would certainly agree with you. But what if I told you that many of us are doing the very things that could make experiencing pleasure more difficult? Whenever we do something that brings us pleasure eating ice cream, having sex, playing video games, watching football, and so on, the areas of the brain that are referred to as ...the pleasure centers light up. No problem so far. However, when we continue to repetitively and frequently light up one particular neural pathway, addictions are often formed. And taking that a step further, when dopamine (a neurotransmitter that impacts reward seeking) is excessively elevated, our pleasure center becomes less responsive, or begins to wear out. What has been discovered is that over stimulating the brain’s pleasure center with digital devices can affect the brain the same way that cocaine does. An example of this would be when you are in the middle of a task perhaps drying your hair or talking to your child and you find yourself compelled to interrupt the task because of the ping on your phone. You have to stop to check it. You could be actually causing a change in your brain structure. Research is showing that as our continual focus on our devices, online communication, and technology increases, so do depression and anxiety. So, if you want to take a step today to preserve your brain’s pleasure center, strive to look up at people instead of down at your phone. The results may surprise you! - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

What Can I Learn from Bailey? Today is a sad day. Yesterday, (as I write this it is July 31st) I had to put one of my beloved dogs to sleep. He was 12 years old and had been battling serious health issues for about 4 months. He was a fighter but yesterday it was clear that he was tired of fighting and was ready to go. So, it is sad. Some say, That’s why I don’t have pets. It is too hard when they die. However, I would say that the degree of my sadness is a testament to the ...fact that we had a great relationship for twelve years. I wouldn’t trade it. But the question I posed above is, What can I learn from Bailey? There are many things but I will just mention two. First, he did what God created him to do. We live on 5 acres and so the dogs (we still have another one) enjoy running the property and run the property Bailey did. He wasn’t necessarily running to anywhere, he just thrilled at the run. And it brought me joy to watch him do that for which he was built. Second, he was a faithful, sweet spirited, loving companion. He was especially gentle with little dogs and little children. If he had been human, I am certain he would have given someone the shirt off his back. He had no ego to protect, no ax to grind, no points to prove. God purposed him to unconditionally love, and he did it well. What do I learn from Bailey? If nothing else, to live my purpose for which God designed me (which brings Him joy when I do) and learning to love without limit. Maybe those are two reminders we can all use. Thanks for indulging me today. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

To Eat or Not To Eat I grew up hating certain foods. In fact some foods created the feeling of wanting to vomit just thinking about it. One of the biggest struggled foods I ate was mushrooms. A few times I remember having to eat C. Cream of Mushroom soup. For some reason the taste and texture was repulsive to me. In fact, it was not until I was almost 35 year old that I decided to try them again. I was at local food joint eating alone. The server asked me what I would like an...d I asked her what he favorite appetizer on the menu was. Of course she said stuffed mushrooms. So, I decided to try them. I was surprised that the appetizer was very different then my childhood nightmare food. In face, they were pretty good. Since then I have been willing to experiment with more types of mushrooms. Now, kid you not, the typical mushroom you find in a salad bar... overcooked and cut into small pieces still makes me stomach churn. However, there are many kinds I have found to be really good. Research shows one of the best foods you can eat or super foods is mushrooms. Not the ones in the typical salad bar but others. In fact, being a hot sauce nut, my wife even found a hot sauce made from mushrooms. If you love mushrooms or had horrid childhood memories of mushrooms, I would encourage you to try different varieties. This super food is good for you in so many ways and believe it or not there is a company that actually makes teas from them. (Okay, I am not that daring... yet ! ) What are your experiences with mushrooms? Do you have the childhood drama of wanting to vomit just thinking about it or do you love them? What is your favorite kind of mushroom and how is it prepared? I would love to hear your thoughts. - Rodney L Mulhollem MA LPC NCC Licensed Psychotherapist

Are You Addicted to Your Spouse? Now at first glance, that question may be confusing. Someone once described addiction as any coping mechanism or substance used to escape feelings. This can refer to a variety of issues: alcohol, drugs, gambling, and sex, just to name a few. And one of the ways that a sexual addiction can show up is in the use of pornography. Pornography is often used to suppress or avoid dealing with feelings. And while the use of pornography can wreak havo...c on a relationship, the single most impacting factor is the lying, deceitfulness, and the overall dishonesty that usually accompanies the addiction. Many say that this broken trust is more damaging than the sex act itself. So, what are some ways that couples can recover from or even avoid pornography addiction in the first place? Some suggestions from the Lasslers, who are therapists dealing with sexual addiction, include: Accept that pornography is unhealthy Be remorseful for the harm caused by the use of pornography Seek counseling to address the whys and the underlying issues Be completely truthful about your sexual history Become safe people for each other verbally, physically, financially, sexually, and spiritually. Be willing to discuss triggers in an open and safe manner While It may not actually be healthy to be addicted to your spouse, it is healthy to be openly, honestly, and intimately connected with him or her. Pursue your mate like there is no other and be amazed at what the relationship can become. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Are You Being Robbed? Wait before you go checking your doorbell video camera or you begin to search every room to see if anything is missing, let me tell you what I’m referring to. I am talking about your brain. Now I am sure if you talk to some of my friends, they might contend that my brain has already been snatched. But allow me to explain. As my wife and I were discussing this morning, it seems that we are hardly awake when the house phone rings, the cell phones ping ...and the computer joins in to clamor for our attention. As Dr. Daniel Amen contends, When the flashing and vibrating occur while you are in the middle of an important task, it leads to poorer performance. One study found that even if you do not read the text or email, the momentary distraction impacts your ability to complete your project. Two scientists from the United Kingdom and France discovered that media multi-tasking can lead to structural changes in the brain and even long-lasting attentional issues. This is a result of reduced gray matter in the region of the brain the controls our attention. So, a simple suggestion today for all of us strive to keep our media focus at bay so that we don’t wake up one day to discover that we have been robbed of an important part of our brain. We will do better with all of our gray matter intact. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Are You Focusing on What Truly Matters? The first half of 2020 has certainly been different than anyone imagined going into the year. The world seemed pretty locked down, changing the way we do business. Weddings have been postponed, extended family gatherings delayed, and even graduation ceremonies were cancelled or, at best, given an alternative format. Our experience with the pandemic, hopefully, has given as a reminder as to the things that are important. Going back to my... mention of graduation ceremonies, I am reminded of Stanford University’s ceremony in 2005. Steve Job’s gave the commencement address just a few months after getting his cancer diagnosis. Here is a piece of what he told those graduates. Remembering I’ll be dead soon helps me make the big choices in life, because almost everything expectations, pride, fear of embarrassment or failure falls away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Perhaps the events of this year have been a bit of a wakeup call for you as they have for me. When we come face to face with our own fragility, as Steve Jobs did, everything that is prideful, silly, petty, frivolous all of it fades leaving only what is truly important. You might ask yourself today What is truly important? And once you answer that question, I would encourage you to focus on and pursue those things. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

What are You Doing? I want to share today a story that comes from General Colin Powell. I once watched a TV documentary about the Empire State Building. For most of the hour, the documentary toured the wonders of the building its history and structure: how many elevators it had, how many people worked or visited there, how many corporate offices it had, and how it was built. But at the end the story took a sharp turn. The last scene showed a cavernous room in a subbasement ...filled with hundreds of black trash bags, the building’s daily detritus. Standing in front of the bags were five guys in work clothes. Their job, their mission, their goal was to toss these bags into waiting trash trucks. The camera focused on one of the men. The narrator asked, What’s your job? The answer to anyone watching was painfully obvious. But the guy smiled and said to the camera, Our job is to make sure that tomorrow morning when people from all over the world come to this wonderful building, it shines, it is clean, and it looks great. His job was to drag bags, but he knew his purpose. He didn’t feel he was just a trash hauler. His work was vital, and his purpose blended into the purpose of the building’s most senior management eighty floors above. So, I encourage you today, as you look at your job or responsibilities, to consider are you hauling trash bags or are you presenting a building? What are you doing? Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

How Do You Work Out Your Differences? If everyone reading this were to answer that question, I would probably get hundreds of different responses. For example, some might say, Well, we sit down and calmly talk about where we disagree and try to come to a compromise, (this couple we get an A). Others might say, We just yell until our voices give out, then we go to different rooms. Or yet other individuals may respond, Work out our differences? Are you kidding me? What ...can frequently, and way too easily, happen for lots of couples is an avoidance of tackling differences for fear of making it worse. But, as one California psychologist states, When couples stop trying to work out their differences and revert to passivity to keep the peace, they hold more and more inside of them and their alienation grows. The frustrations tend to leak out through sarcastic, taunting remarks, thinly veiled criticisms, or increasing inattention to the other’s needs. Those couples who learn to address problems as they arise, as opposed to allowing them to build, report greater satisfaction with their marriage relationships. While this is no surprise, it can still be easier said than done. Yet, when encountering differences, if we can honestly strive to understand our spouse’s needs more than we pursue getting our own point across, we begin the process of bridging the difference gap. This week I encourage you to avoid passivity and initiate discussions that can lead to greater understanding and resolution. - Dr. Barry Ham IFITherapy

Something to think about.

Have You Experienced The Google Effect? It is Friday evening and my wife and I are watching a movie, when we notice an actor that we have seen in previous movies. Wondering what other movies he has been in, we quickly grab our phones to find out. We won’t spend much time searching the archives of our brains because well, it just takes too much effort. The habit has been termed the Google Effect. In a 2011 study, individuals were instructed to learn a series of unimporta...nt facts and record them on a computer. Half of the group were told that the computer would store the information while the other half were led to believe that the data would be delated. As one might suspect, when asked to recall the information later, the group who had been told that the computer would not store the data, demonstrated better memory recall. Our reliance on technology and media multi-tasking is reducing both our working and long-term memory. It is actually changing the structure of our brains. And with an aging population, Alzheimer’s disease is projected to impact 14 million Americans by the year 2050. So, if you want to live life to the fullest, with a better functioning brain, try a couple strategies: 1) spending 15 minutes a day reading or learning something new, and 2) dig into the recesses of your mind a little more diligently before defaulting to technology. I sometimes feel half-brained as it is, so I would really like to get to the end of my journey with as much of it intact as possible. - Dr. Barry Ham, IFITherapy

CORONAVIRUS AND CHILDREN: 11 WAYS TO PROTECT KIDS DURING THE PANDEMIC By Eboni Cornish, MD Unfortunately, we do not have a cure or vaccination for COVID-19 at t...his time. It is continuing to spread, with over 1 million active cases of coronavirus in the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Although much of the media attention has focused on the elderly and those with underlying health conditions as the most at risk, we are still learning about its effects on children. How COVID-19 is Affecting Kids The evidence of pediatric complications of COVID-19 is newly emerging, and there are increased reports of children with Pediatric Inflammatory Multisystemic Syndrome (PIMS). As of May 7, 2020, at least 85 children have developed PIMS. This COVID-19 linked illness is associated with a high level of severe inflammation and can mirror symptoms of other inflammatory illnesses such as toxic shock syndrome and Kawasaki disease. Symptoms include high fevers, rash, red eyes, severe diarrhea, and possible complications with the cardiovascular system. As states start to re-open, it is imperative that we have an enhanced focus on the immune system of our children. Our society is going to be exposed to a new normal, unlike anything we have ever experienced. 11 Ways to Protect Your Children Here are some things you can do: 1. STAY AWARE AND GET INVOLVED. As schools open up, we have to remind ourselves to remain cautious. Form a positive relationship with the staff at your children’s school and stay informed. 2. STEER CLEAR OF SICK CHILDREN. Avoid close contact with any students that have cold or flu-like symptoms. 3. ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO HAVE GOOD HYGIENE. Teach them to wash their hands for at least 20 seconds, especially after blowing their nose, coughing, or sneezing; after going to the bathroom; and before eating. They can time this by singing the song Happy Birthday twice while washing in the sink. Also, teach your children the proper way to sneeze by covering their mouth and nose with a flexed elbow. 4. KEEP A WATCHFUL EYE. Monitor your children for any signs of excess fatigue, diarrhea, fever, or any other complaints. Have a very low threshold when it comes to calling your pediatrician regarding adverse symptoms in your children. 5. CLEAN HIGH-TOUCH AREAS. Be sure to wipe down surfaces, such as tables, countertops, and doorknobs. 6. KEEP A CHANGE OF CLOTHES ON HAND. Consider having your child change clothes and shower after visiting any locations where more than 10 people are gathered. 7. FUEL UP WITH HEALTHY FOODS. Children should eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables per day. Try to introduce a vegetable with each meal. And consider introducing morning fruit smoothies in your child’s daily routine. If you have a picky eater, try to find healthier alternatives that are similar to their favorite food. 8. WEAR MASKS. COVID-19 is highly contagious and children should take the same precautions as adults. The CDC recommends that everyone 2 years and older wear a cloth face mask that covers their nose and mouth when they are out in the community. Do not place cloth face covering on children younger than 2 because of the danger of suffocation. 9. CONTINUE PHYSICAL DISTANCING. Try to avoid unnecessary play dates. 10. WIPE DOWN INFANT TOYS FREQUENTLY. Babies are prone to put their hands and mouths on anything in their grasp. It is important that we minimize their exposure to contaminated items. 11. WASH USING HOT WATER. Launder items using the warmest appropriate setting for the item and dry items immediately. In summary, we now have evidence that COVID-19 can cause serious complications in our children. Let us not ignore the research. This is a new virus and we are still learning about it. We must remember that children are vulnerable to this disease. Let’s focus on keeping our children safe. About the Author: Eboni Cornish, MD, Amen Clinics Washington D.C. Dr. Eboni Cornish is an integrative/functional medicine physician with a special interest in infectious diseases at Amen Clinics. She is a board member of the International Lyme and Associated Diseases Educational Foundation which is responsible for training numerous physicians on the treatment of Lyme Disease and other tick-borne infections. Dr. Cornish’s approach to the treatment of chronic disease is to find the root cause of a person’s health problems by performing a comprehensive evaluation of the body’s various biological systems and taking an approach based on integrative strategies of healing. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and other mental health issues can’t wait. During these uncertain times, your mental well-being is more important than ever, and waiting to get treatment until the pandemic is over is likely to make your symptoms worsen over time. At Amen Clinics, we’re here for you. We offer mental telehealth, remote clinical evaluations, and video therapy for adults, children, and couples, as well as in-clinic brain scanning to help our patients. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 855-486-3522. If all our specialists are busy helping others, you can also schedule a time to talk.