Miranda Melquist, LCSW, PMH-C

It’s maternal mental health week. Becoming a parent is laden with expectations- the happiest time of your life; the most wonderful thing ever! In reality this i...s a big life change and that often comes with big adjustments and big emotions. Even what may be some of the best times of your life (or not), come with challenges to your mental health. In fact research suggests that having children doesn’t lead to the boost of happiness that we may expect, due to the challenges that come along with parenthood. In this mix of expectations, societal beliefs and our day to day reality, we can have a problem of competing opposites. This happens when the expectations of how we should feel clash with how we do feel. When what we think should be the happiest time of our life is actually a challenge. When what brings us joy, also brings us emotional pain. When we feel bad, when we know we are lucky and have something that many long for. When our reality clashes with what we think our reality should be. And these competing opposites can cause us to feel shame for how we feel, to feel bad for how we feel, to feel guilty for how we feel, to feel bad for the very fact that we feel bad. Then we make ourselves feel bad, and worsen the already bad feeling, for feeling bad in the first place. And the shame and guilt that results from these competing opposites causes us to become emotional undercover agents. I’m fine you say, as that’s how you should be. You can’t say how you feel as you are ungrateful, a terrible parent, a failure. You can’t seek help as this would blow your carefully constructed cover. We keep it undercover, we make it look like the reality matches the expectation, as it feels too taboo to reveal the clash between what is and what we think it should be. It’s normal for this to be a challenging time for many people, and finding it difficult is not unusual. It doesn’t mean that becoming a parent will result in poor mental health, but the realistic expectation that it can be challenging time for mental health removes the belief that we shouldn’t feel this way, encourages us to look after our mental well-being and gives permission to seek help if we need it.

could not have said it better take this day to care for yourself, whatever season you might be in, be gentle with yourself today. I hope the people around you can do the same

This is the best article I’ve read in a long time! It’s everything I would write!! Invisible Motherhood: Why more mothers are struggling with mental illness, and why it’s time to end the days of invisible motherhood The understanding and normalizing of this delicate morphing the good, bad and the ugly is pertinent to breaking the walls of the stigmatizing society we are surrounded by, as well as mother’s and children’s identities and mental wellness. Mothers must be able to maintain their sense of self as an individual, to be able to continue to grow as people. Societal factors, in addition to the chemical and physical shift a woman experiences, contribute to the rampant depression, anxiety and loneliness in modern mothers. https://medium.com//there-is-arguably-no-greater-identity-

I’m proud of each of you who are out there talking about it... for making others feel safe enough to talk about it and for showing the world that this doesn’t define you!

"Mindful breathing....It doesn't work for me" Give it another shot without judgement. It's one of the best ways to ease anxiety. Learn some tips here https://www.mindbodygreen.com//the-best-breathing-techniqu

How to hack them! I laughed out loud.

This is the day my sweet babe entered the world and made me a mama. This is the time I suddenly felt blindsided by motherhood. This is the time - despite bein...g a pediatrician - I was completely overwhelmed. Adjusting to my new life. Adjusting to my new relationship with my husband. Adjusting to being needed 24/7. Adjusting to the changes in my body. Adjusting to the changes in hormones. Adjusting to. IT. ALL. I know Instagram can make pregnancy and motherhood look perfect. It doesn't often show the lonely tears, the outbursts on your partner, the time you didn't feel like picking up your baby and just wished they'd keep sleeping longer instead, the leaky milk stains through your shirt or the toddler throwing a fit. And unfortunately, us mamas feel guilty or shameful if our experience doesn't feel as glowing as someone else's experience *appears*. Motherhood is beautiful. And we love our children. But keep in mind that it's not always perfect, and what you see is not always reality. I haven't met a mother in my pediatrics practice who hasn't had a hard day or tears of frustration. Keep going, mama. You got this and I'm here for you along the way. If we haven't met each other yet, thanks for being here. I'm a pediatrician, mama of 2 young girls (Mikena and Mireia), a wife to Scott, I live in Portland, OR and would live off almond croissants if I could. Please feel free to say hi below, DM me your questions/challenges, or connect with other mama followers by engaging with any comments that are relevant to you. We're not meant to do this alone.

Planning for postpartum is something many parents do not prioritize. However, everyone in the family unit benefits from extra support. Our postpartum planning... sessions are full of tips regarding how to best prepare and feel confident in your transition. Planning sessions are included in our postpartum doula packages and also offered as a stand alone service. We’ve noticed that postpartum planning sessions and postpartum doulas are more common with second babies and beyond. We don’t think this is a coincidence. As you gain experience in parenting, you start to realize just how crucial support is! So what does a postpartum doula do? General household tasks (Laundry, dishes, vacuum, etc) Overnight baby care Cooking (Freezer meal prep, dinner for the family, etc) Breastfeeding, Bottle-feeding or Pumping support Sibling care Teaching parents about newborn care Running errands or running errands with you Answering questions about normal physical recovery from birth. Referrals to trusted community professionals and organizations And so much more!

We teach people how to treat us. That means when people are accustomed to interacting with you in a certain way and you start doing things differently, they wil...l probably dislike it and try to get you to act the way they are used to. So when you start saying no, setting boundaries or asking for your needs to be met, expect some pushback. . The good news is that you taught them how to treat you before, so you can teach them a new way too. And if they reject you completely just because you are finally taking care of yourself, they don’t deserve to be in your life. . I like to give people a heads up when I’m going to start interacting with them differently. I think it helps to let them know what I’m going to be doing and why I am doing it. When it’s a person who cares about my wellbeing, they will generally be supportive and it makes that moment when I show up differently a little easier for both of us because it is an expected change. Plus, if they push back, I can remind them that we already talked about it and they agreed to support me in taking better care of myself. . Do you struggle with setting boundaries? What makes it difficult? . . . #emotionalwellness #mentalhealthjourney #selfcaresundays #selfloveforall #healthyboundaries #assertiveness #boundarysetting #emotionalwellbeing #emotionalhealth #selfkindness #bekindtoyourself #takecareofyou #mentalhealthadvocacy #overcominganxiety #buildingselfesteem #validateyourself #selflovejourney #selflovewarrior #selflovemovement #selfcompassion #selfcarejourney #selfcarewarrior #yogaformentalhealth #selfcaredaily #boundaries #prioritizeyourself #selfcarefirst #selflovefirst #moreselflove #mentalhealthwarriors See more

Take a look at that image. You know what’s been hardest for me? Knowing when something no longer serves me. Sometimes I get caught up in wanting to do it all.... Can you relate to that? Life will pull us in a million directions at times. We can feel overwhelmed. These days I like to remind myself that what I’m doing is hard this gives me perspective. My definition of hard is different on different days. On some days I struggle with the balance of dividing my attention between work and home life. Other days my hard is navigating a new part of motherhood. And let’s not forget those goals and intentions I set for myself! Which item on the list would you like to work on?

When stress overloads your mind and body and emotional overwhelm kicks in, there is a good chance you may start falling back into old (possibly unhealthy) ways ...of coping. Some coping habits I have heard from others this past year (some I have experienced myself): Nail biting Emotional eating Numbing out with tv or internet Over sleeping Gossiping Decreasing physical activity Isolating Restricting or controlling things/people Skin picking Preoccupation with checking the news Stopping mindfulness or relaxation skills Avoiding self-care It is VERY normal for your brain to seek out familiar coping strategies when your mental reserves are low. It is also very common for people to start shaming and criticizing themselves when this happens. In order to break out of these patterns, the shaming and criticizing has to stop. Replace the shame with self-compassion and validation for yourself. Rather than, I can’t believe I’m doing this again! say something like It makes sense that I’m using old habits given how overwhelmed I currently feel. Ask yourself what one small, simple change can be this week to return to healthy habits and be kind with yourself in the process. You are doing the best you can with what you have!

How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. After studying couples for the last 40 years, Dr. John Gottman found that nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can b...e resolved with the right approach. By studying what happy couples did during conflict, he was able to develop a new model for solving your solvable problems in an intimate relationship. Take the new Gottman Relationship Coach: Dealing with Conflict program to learn how you and your partner can apply the soft start-up when approaching difficult conversations and other tools to help you have more productive conflict: https://bit.ly/2IT2YHi

Were birth affirmations helpful for you during the birth of your baby? If not, what helped you to focus and remain calm?

I love when I come across something that is exactly what I discussed in session with a momma earlier today! This subject probably comes up about once a week in session. No one wants to feel this way about their partner and it can cause some problems but I’ve seen women make real changes and find trust in themselves and their partners.

Someone recently said something to me about the secret club of motherhood referencing that motherhood is not easy, in fact it’s difficult, exhausting, lonely, but also so incredibly filled with love. Why’s it have to be a secret? This is hard work, loving them is the easy part.

rp @mombrain.therapist - Anger is a big topic for moms. They come to me with feelings of guilt and shame for how their anger is presenting in their lives and co...ncerns for how it impacts their role as a mother. What we usually start with is wondering: What is your anger trying to tell you? So, we look at it more closely... What was really going on below the surface when you were angry? What did it feel like? What thoughts were coming to mind? Was there a more vulnerable feeling/emotion that was driving this anger? Are there personal needs that aren’t being met (self-care, free time, support, fulfillment)? Is it possible this anger is a symptom of a mental health condition like depression or anxiety? We can learn a lot by looking at our anger. And in doing so we can develop the best ways to cope and manage when it pops up. What has your anger taught you? Any tips to share with other moms? See more

You may have heard about the "invisible load of motherhood," but what about the feeling of being invisible? The transition to motherhood comes with a lot of sel...f-sacrifice. Sometimes we sacrifice so much that it feels like we've been wiped away. Much of what we do and who we are goes unnoticed. I remember someone sharing with me earlier on "motherhood is a thankless job." I thought "wow, sign me up." I created this week's series to validate all those experiencing these feelings, but I also wanted to see if some reflection could change things for you. Questions to ask yourself: 1 "Am I invisible to ME?" Do you notice what you do? Do you acknowledge your hard work and feel a sense of pride? 2 Have you communicated your feelings and positive needs to those you love? 3 Do you share the load with anyone else or are you tasked with everything? How can you change this? 4 Answer this: what would it mean if someone did notice? (can you share your response with a support person in your life?) If you want to feel better supported in your motherhood journey, check out my digital course Keeping Mommy in Mind. I have all of the tools laid out for you to feel more like yourself. You can learn more by clicking the link below https://www.psychedmommy.com/keeping-mommy-in-mind

Warning: this post discusses suicide. Science has shown us many reasons to continue to check on parents beyond the first six weeks: Moms are at the greatest ...risk of dying by suicide between 9-12 months postpartum More Utah moms are dying (in general) after 43 days postpartum than they are during pregnancy or before 43 days postpartum Dads struggling with mental health issues related to the birth struggle most between two and four months postpartum For heterosexual couples, maternal postpartum depression is associated with paternal postpartum depression which means kids are often being raised by two depressed parents We now know one in four moms can experience severe depression up to three years postpartum Mental health issues related to pregnancy or postpartum won’t likely get better on their own, but with appropriate care, parents will start to feel better It’s no surprise that the leading professional groups (for Pediatricians, OB/GYN’s, and task forces) have now come forward to say: ONE appointment for mom at six weeks isn’t enough. We need way more than one appointment or check-in. And we need to check in on more than just the birthing parent. So, how do we HELP or what are proven strategies? If you are the parent: don’t be afraid to ask for help! Ask a friend, a family member, join a support group, or talk to a therapist. If you are curious about your mental health score, use the screening tool in our bio. If you’re 10 or above, you may need additional support. If you’re a friend or family member of a parent: offer specific help. Let them know you’ll pick their older kids up from school every Thursday, or deliver or bring by a meal the first Monday of the month. Text them. Ask how they’re doing, and when they say fine, ask again. Hire a postpartum doula for them. Send them snail mail. Parents: it doesn’t have to feel this way forever. This is not your fault. You can get help. And with help, you’ll feel so much better. To find help in Utah, visit: maternalmentalhealth.utah.gov. Other places can visit postpartum.net. #maternalmentalhealthutah #parenthood #parentinglife #parentsirl

So many things in this podcast we talk about every single day. We just need to keep hearing it to keep practicing it! Good quick episode, push play and give yourself a boost. https://www.janetlansbury.com//calming-our-reactivity-to-/

Great way to get out, take care of yourself, and meet other mamas! https://m.facebook.com/events/355453305634311/?event_time_id=365813074598334&ref=m_notif¬if_t=event_friend_going

From book: GOOD MOMS HAVE SCARY THOUGHTS "New parenthood can make some women susceptible to the emergence of OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) or more commonl...y, OCD-like symptoms, without a diagnosis of OCD. It is believed that this, in part, is triggered by the abrupt and all-consuming responsibility for a helpless baby who needs so much. You may find yourself misinterpreting or overreacting to normal everyday events, perceiving them as threatening. You may agonize over the strange and violent thoughts which defy every belief you have about who you are as a person. You may develop patterns of behavior that you believe will protect you and your baby. Ironically, these behaviors, like avoidance, or cleaning and re-cleaning, or checking and rechecking, actually reinforce your intrusive worry." The key is to break the cycle of obsessive thinking, which leads to more anxiety and compulsive behavior, which leads to TEMPORARY relief, which leads to more obsessive thinking