Nicole Lewis Couple and Family Therapist

When someone presents with anger...challenge yourself to look deeper. My guess is they actually feel hurt and they don’t know how to express that. Turn towards in your relationships it gives you the opportunity for growth and connection.

Thankful for so many things in my life!

When we focus on what could go wrong, we see everything through that lens. We will notice on things pointing in that direction. I challenge you to be vulnerable enough to see the things that could go right. It can be a scary path but usually pretty worth it!

Needed this today! A good reminder that our mindset influences the way we see and think about things and people.

We have to continue watering and caring for our relationship. I know it can be so challenging when you couples have a million things happening...but always find your way back together

When someone presents with anger...challenge yourself to look deeper. My guess is they actually feel hurt and they don’t know how to express that. Turn towards in your relationships it gives you the opportunity for growth and connection.

Thankful for so many things in my life!

When we focus on what could go wrong, we see everything through that lens. We will notice on things pointing in that direction. I challenge you to be vulnerable enough to see the things that could go right. It can be a scary path but usually pretty worth it!

Needed this today! A good reminder that our mindset influences the way we see and think about things and people.

We have to continue watering and caring for our relationship. I know it can be so challenging when you couples have a million things happening...but always find your way back together

All couples have conflict and THAT IS OK!!! However, we need to learn how to argue in a way that is not going to leave us feeling DISCONNECTED AND NOT UNDERSTOOD. Couples tend to get stuck in a cycle that looks 1 of 3 ways...... 1. Attack-Attack- Each person is in attack mode and neither of you are hearing each other because you are too busy putting the other person down. Why does this happen? Not because your not good people BUT rather because both don't feel good enough in the relationship and you are so tired of feeling that way....so all you know what to do at this point is to point out all the flaws. 2. Attack-defend-One attacks and the other person just defends themselves. Again, both are left feeling unheard and we are desperately reaching out for connection. The person who is "attacking" is saying "Do you see, I am calling out for you" and the "defender" is trying to show they are good enough, but by doing that you are not showing the other person you care. Which I get..it feels impossible to do that when what you are hearing is that you are not good enough. 3. Withdraw-withdraw- Both are avoiding because you are tired. It feels like each and every time you talk, it will end in an argument. So you say to yourself..."what is the point?" What dance are you in? I would love to help you find a new way to argue and communicate in a way that will help you feel more connected to one another! https://nicolelewistherapy.com/couples-therapy/

Ride the wave is what I tell people....you’re gonna argue and you will experience storms in the relationship. It’s scary to allow your partner to just feel what they feel, but remember no storm lasts forever and you can be there to hold the umbrella with them EVEN THOUGH I know it does not always feel comfortable to do that!

Couples often come in and I hear them say I have heard this a million times. Your probably right about that. People repeat themselves because they either feel like you don’t really get it or you missing something. So I challenge you to be more curious when your partner keeps telling you the same thing over and over. Maybe your missing something. Also allow them to feel what they feel! Don’t talk them out of it!!! It will only further the way they feel. Remember you don’t have to agree with someone to be open and listen to their perspective!

I was listening to the radio the other morning and they played a clip talking about how life is NOT a journey. I thought hmmm that’s interesting....I’ve always heard quotes about life being a journey and made it sense to me! But then Alan Watts says a journey represents travel which indicates there is a destination and that means we are always waiting to get somewhere. ... He suggests we look at life like music. During a song, your not waiting to get to the end-your just enjoying listening! Pretty much saying....let’s enjoy every part of life rather than waiting to get to this destination! https://youtu.be/rBpaUICxEhk

The new disorder that leads to a new order-Esther Perel If you have experienced an affair or break of trust in your relationship.you know there is chaos and disorder happening in the relationship. The person who has experienced the distrust in the relationship feels anger, hurt, sadness, and shock. Feelings of confusion arise and so many thoughts run through your headis this my fault? How the hell could they do this to me?... You want to know everything, but then you don’t. You wonder can I ever trust this person again? I am here to tell youyes. As Esther Perel says, you can turn a crisis into an opportunity. It is so easy to get lost in everyday tasks and the relationship falls behind. AND I AM WILLING TO BET THE RELATIONSHIP WASN’T WORKING FOR EITHER OF YOU! To the person experiencing this pain, this crisis can allow you to finally express what YOU have been longing for and wanting. Now you can both rebuild your relationship. 1st step- For the partner who had the affair, you need to express guilt for hurting your partner 2nd step-For the partner who was deceivedhave a support system and find yourself. This often is what your partner was trying to find; themselves not because they were looking for another person. 3rd step-Create a new meaning for yourself and help each other redefine your relationship because the old relationship is no more. https://nicolelewistherapy.com/couples-therapy-affairs-bre/

I challenge the couples out there to stop focusing on things like "I statements" and more on what is actually happening for you and your partner. Let's face it...in the heat of the argument the last thing your thinking about is I statements (and usually people use I statements in a way that is passive aggressive...I'm guilty of it). Instead I want you to shift the way you think about your partner. For example, typically 1 person in the relationship shuts down and you feel t...hey are doing that because they don't care. But I challenge you to see this through a different lens...typically when people shut down, they are having thoughts of not being good enough or they can never "get it right". When we see things through another lens, it may shift and change the way we respond. So for the person who is communicating how they feel to the person who is shutting, you can be left feeling alone and unimportant. So to the person who shuts down, think of your partner as someone who feels unimportant rather than feeling criticized by them.

Anyone who knows me can tell you I love inside out! I can always find a good lesson we should take from that movie. Although this is not about an inside out review, it is about allowing ourselves to feel all our emotions and not try to avoid or fight against our feelings. Think about this...if you have ever been on the beach and the ocean has a strong current...do you know what the lifeguards tell you to do? ... Swim with the current and wave. If you fight against it and go the other direction, it will keep pulling you. You won’t win...you will be left feeling exhausted and defeated. Remember to ride the wave . It will always pass and remember it will come again and then pass.

Do you feel alone and unimportant in your relationship? You find yourself getting angry and attempting to reach out to your partner, but every time you try they just shut you out? The only thing that makes sense is that your partner must not care about you and that is a very lonely place to be. You are beginning to wonder if you can continue in a relationship like this. Imagine a relationship where you feel emotionally close and connected to your partner. ... Each of you will be able to express your inner experience and emotions which will then change the way you see one another in the relationship. I will help slow down the arguments and find the places you are getting stuck in the negative cycle. I hope we can work together on building a stronger and more connected relationship for you and your partner. Helping each person work on the same team, rather than feeling we are always in battle and not understanding each other. Stop putting your relationship on the back burner and begin the process of growing together!

Every couple gets caught in a negative cycle that repeats itself time and time again. Each time the cycle repeats itself, we are hurting ourselves, our partner, and our relationship more and deepening the pain and anger we feel. Often times this cycle looks like one person shutting down because they feel not good enough or like they can’t get it right. The other person feels isolated and alone and so they make demands and act angry. ... I can tell you that both people are left feeling alone out on an island. Repairing and shifting this cycle is challenging. Let me help you shift and change the cycle in your relationship. Nicolelewistherapy.com [email protected]