Richard K Miller, MEd, Psychologist

I was reviewing a YouTube video of John Gottman’s How to Build Trust. It is built over time in small moments with six basic steps: 1) awareness; 2) turning towards; 3) tolerance; 4) understanding; 5) non-defensive responding; 6) empathy. Trust appears to be an incredibly important feature in a healthy relationship, and the loss of trust begins a downward spiral that will lead ultimately to resentment.

Let's talk about anger and frustration. Working with the three elements of secure attachment--seen, soothed, and safe, --self soothing is first. Whether it's with a child or a partner, one needs to self sooth. You can't calm someoen you are agitated. This idea is found in many approaches from cognitive restructuring, to labeling, to mindfulness. The important idea is to learn to respond, not to react.