Therapy, Dionne Eddy, M.S. LPC NCC

So this phrase has been brought up a lot lately I will give respect when I am given respect or I will give disrespect when I am disrespected. In a world where we need more kindness I would like to challenge this idea. How about we respect ourselves? Someone can be rude, ignorant or disrespectful to me - my reaction if I am being respectful to myself can be one of kindness, one of silence, one that minimizes the atmosphere of negativity. By doing so, being respectful in sp...ite of others, I can change the atmosphere. I am not saying that you allow others to walk all over you or that you don’t address situations. But to do so in a manner that you can respect, in a way that your words can be heard. So many times adversity is met, people have wonderful things to say but all anyone can hear is the tone, the body language, and the volume. As well when we allow one’s disrespect to grab at us to the point we are also now disrespectful we have just given this person the power for us to turn on ourselves. By turning on ourselves we start to act as the disrespectful person did. So I challenge us, myself included, to not allow others when they are disrespectful to steal our power but to remain in control. That we will respect ourselves, change the atmosphere, model control, be an agent of change and walk away proud that we didn’t meet negativity with negativity. If you seem to find yourself in conflict regularly, try to take a step back: assess the real reason you are upset (is it really the subject at hand or another issue), assess the importance of the conflict (is it even worth having it), assess how you want the outcome to be, then proceed as best possible being respectful to yourself in the process. I do understand that some would say I am being respectful to myself as I let them have it. But I would like to challenge that when we let someone have it we are no better than the person we are upset with, rarely are issues resolved and only more adversity is built. So go forth and RESPECT Thine Own Self.

oh February The month of LOVE , or at least that is the attraction with Valentine’s Day smack in the middle. So I thought I would roll with it. Recently I have found myself waiting to fill my gas tank until it is running on fumes. It is very stressful and I need to change this habit. It led me to the concept of our personal tanks... not our bellies! Our relationships. We all have a tank per se, one in which deposits are made and withdrawals occur. We may have individual o...nes for specific people. For example I have ones for my husband, kiddos, family, friends, and myself; all different sizes depending on the relationship importance. Typically when we are feeling good, loved, secure and confident someone (even ourselves) has been making deposits in to our tank. When we are cranky with, negative, feeling insecure, stressed, easily frustrated and unsteady there has been a number of withdrawals taken. Deposits can be made by learning to speak what Gary Chapman has written about: The 5 Love Languages. It isn’t as sappy as it sounds and although I am not receiving endorsements for promoting the book, it is fabulous. I use it along with a quiz in every couples therapy session. I highly recommend the read whether tank full or empty. (I am starting 5 Love Languages of Teens - yikes!) But without going into the book, deposits: can be kind words, helpful hand, touch, task completed, intimacy, time for self to reset, a long bath, a good book, quality time with a special someone, etc. Withdrawals are the opposite of course: harsh words, criticism, judgment, lack of time, too busy, selfishness, overburdening, abuse, etc. These emotions can be similar to how I feel when my vehicle’s gas tank is on empty vs. when it is full. When it is close to empty I am cautious, stressed, mapping out the miles and how close am I making it to the gas station, very frustrated if anything is in my way. When it is full I feel as if I can drive cross country and conquer it all (well you know, errands and teenage taxi runs, but still!!!)... Another analogy is how we pay attention to the fuel gauge, how aware am I that the tank is low, or someone else’s? That gauge for us personally is how we feel. So do a science experiment the rest of the month... start making deposits, think of those special relationships and ways you can make deposit and minimize withdrawals. Watch what happens... May all your love tanks runneth over.

If you aim at nothing you will hit it every time. In some ways that sounds like a success... I shot at ‘nothing’ and hit it! But in the schematic of life it is a different story. Most of us verbalize what we would like to do, see happen, advance towards. We have an idea but maybe no vision. Here we are in the beginning of the year, and hopefully we have all already adjusted to writing 2019, instead of 2018. What do you hope for in this year? What would you like to see h...appen? Accomplish? Change? Improve upon? Good questions to ask ourselves. If we don’t take some sort of stock in such questions, we tend to let life just happen to us, instead of making life happen for us. I am not big on the New Years’ Resolutions, but I am big on goals. I know, same thing, right? Sort of... Goals give you your aim. When you write goals, you take into consideration everything you can think of necessary to accomplish your goal. May mean you need to take baby steps, smaller goals to reach the bigger goal. May need to planfully tell yourself no! To not trading what you want right NOW (a slice of cheesecake or that TV) for what you really want (down a size in clothes or $ for a car). Also taking into consideration when the goal is to be accomplished, WHEN will you be shooting? Is it by 2020? Summer? 3 months? Make it specific... for example, by May 31 I will have saved $5000 for a down payment on a new vehicle or by June 1st I will have shed and maintained 25 pound weight loss. Aim realistically as well. Don’t say you will save $1,000,000 by 2020 if your wages won’t reach that. Save $1,000,000 in 10/15 years? Yes, reachable, with baby goals and the right circumstances. Also don’t make goals that are reliant on someone else. They are your goals, you can only do your part. You could have an overall goal to have a stronger marriage. But you can only do your part, so what would you do to make that happen? Plan a monthly date night, bite the lip a little more often, make eye contact, speak my partners love language (another topic for another time), verbalize a daily positive observation, leave love notes, etc. Had to stop myself, I was on a roll. Great topics for goals are: physical, financial, intellectual, career, social, family, relationships, and spiritual. Make 2019 work for you! Make life happen for you! Share what goals you are making with others, allow them to help you be accountable.... share here even (I would love to know of your goals for the year). Make your goals known. Post your goals somewhere where you will see them everyday, mine is by my closet. Welcome 2019! Ready! Aim! Fire!

As of late the topic of many sessions is control. In light of the idea that "so and so made me mad". I used to hate that saying "someone can only make you mad if you let them." Now much older, maybe wiser, I see some truth in that. The truth falls in that those I place value, trust, confidant, and have a relationship with can make me mad. I open them up to it and allow it, I become vulnerable to them, have expectationsof them, and value their opinion. They have been given pow...er, by me to "make me mad". Sometimes it happens.... however in the same breath I also open them up to make me happy, to be a blessing in my life and to provide a piece of joy. In that mad or joy both creating growth in a desired relationship, there is purpose. But what about those I do not have a close relationship with, maybe do not trust, do not have as a confidant and are not in my inner circle. I have to say, as of late, I have given power to those to make me mad. It is actually not there fault, I have allowed it. In reflections today, I have been allowing it for awhile and starting to feel the weight of it all. Clients I have, have allowed others to make them mad over lies, over comments, and over rules they dislike to those in their outer circles. Totally stealing their joy. As I have also given up my joy to such frustrations. I am hear to say, that although not perfect, I am taking back my joy. I will see moments as a blessing to have, imperfect as they are, they are mine. In light of recent community heart ache, I can find joy in something even as frustrating as disciplining my children becasue they are safe and sound in my house, and I have the opportunity to discipline. I can find joy in the commute to work when they have torn up the road for the 5th time... because I am here in the moment and have a job to go to. I can find joy in the mundane, frustration, angst, "not my way", because it is a gift given to me, in this moment. Think about whom it is that allows to make you mad. Are they worthy? Do they also help to make you happy? If they make you mad, see it as an opportuity for growth in the relationship; conflict is always an opportunity for growth. When they make you happpy, embrace and be mindful of the feeling. If the person that you have given power to make you mad, is not worhty, rethink the energy you are given this person or situation. Take back your joy, find a blessing in the moment.

So since my change I have not posted anything... but thinking now the theme lately in therapy has been choices... we have so many choices in any one given situation. A choice.... hopefully we give thought, pause before we act on a situation, become aware of various choices we have in order to make the right choice for you... for those affected and effected... YOU always have a choice! Choice is powerful! An opportunity to become a super hero! YOU are in control! Make your choice matter... be able to walk away and be proud of the choices you make in your life, hopefully for the greater good of your health and those around you! Choices!