Miss Jackie's House

It started with this web site (www.MissJackiesHouse.org). ... It’s simply about love - love lost and love made stronger. It’s about kindness and compassion, and it’s about seeing, being, sharing, and inspiring the good in the world, even if in a very small way. http://www.missjackieshouse.org/act-of-kindness

We don't do grief very well in this country. We don't talk about it, we get uncomfortable around it, and in some mind-twisting way, we hope grief will leave us ...alone if we pretend it doesn't exist. But that's not how grief works. Even professionals trained in grief tend to pathologize it when those living in grief don't 'get over it' or 'recover ' from it fast enough. Listen in as WNPR host Colin McEnroe, Nelba Marquez-Greene, and I discuss the realities of living with grief and how we can all better support those who are carrying it.

Maybe you're here because someone is dead. I'm here because someone is dead. Maybe you've come because life has irrevocably changedthrough accident or illness,... through violent crime or act of nature. How random and fragile life can be. If you've found yourself here, in this life you didn't ask for, in this life you didn't see coming, I'm sorry. I can't tell you it will all work out in the end. I can't tell you things will be just fine. You are not "OK." You might not ever be "OK." Whatever grief you're carrying, it's important to acknowledge how bad this is, how hard. It really is horrendous, horrifying, and unsurvivable. This place is not about fixing you, or fixing your grief. Our work is not about making you "better" or getting you back to "normal." This is about how you live inside your loss. How you carry what cannot be fixed. How you survive. And even though that thoughtthat you CAN survive something as horrifying as thisis unsettling and horrifying in its own right, the truth is, you will most likely survive. Your survival in this life post-loss won't follow steps or stages, or align with anyone else's vision of what life might be for you. Survival won't be found, can't be found, in easy answers or in putting your lost life behind you, pretending you didn't really want it anyway. In order to survive, to find that life that feels authentic and true to you, we have to start telling the truth. This really is as bad as you think. Everything really is as wrong, and as bizarre, as you know it to be. When we start there, we can begin to talk about living with grief, living inside the love that remains. I am so sorry you have need of this place, and I'm so glad you're here.

Celebrated Jackie's 60th birthday yesterday... a beautiful day with sun and rain and flowers and plants and fountains and love "There is no sorrow so great as the memory of lost joy. But if there had been no joy then, there'd be no pain now. I will be ever grateful for the beauty of both."... Thank you Kate, Marie, Dave, and Tanya.

https://youtu.be/2phQZMdN7jo

The countdown is here... throughout the course of this week, and into the December holidays, families around the world will be gathered to celebrate. While man...y in society experience the holidays as joyful albeit stressful, there are few more painful and stressful times of year for those who are grieving. I felt really frustrated when others pressed me, early in grief especially, to feel thankful, even though I could (momentarily) still feel morsels of thankfulness. But when your most beloved one dies, it's pretty hard to 'give thanks' for much... People have asked me how I cope with special occasions through the years since my daughter's death in 1994. In my two decades of being bereaved, working with countless bereaved families and researching the bereaved, I've discovered some ways to cope and connect us deeply with self, other, and the natural world during what can be a very overwhelming time of year: 1. Sharing your feelings openly and honestly with others directly may help them to understand. Sometimes, the process of discussing the loved one who died before the gathering begins can relieve the tension others may feel wondering, Should I talk about this or not? If you can, be clear about how you feel: "Can we please have a moment of silence for Jacob before we eat?" or something like that. 2. Rituals are often very helpful, especially new ones. Rituals are ways that we *remember* them, and remembering them, while painful, is so very important for our broken hearts. A few ideas, for example, include lighting a candle and having a moment of silence at the beginning of the holiday meal or playing a specific song, asking family members to make a donation to a specific charity in his/her name, setting an empty place at the table for him/her and asking each person to tell their favorite memory, volunteering as a family in his/ her memory, buying a gift for a child the same age and donating it, and a craft-making project where family and friends make an ornament in his/her memory. This not only gives others permission to share their feelings but also brings people together by enacting grief. 3. Connection with a support group in your area can be very helpful. Empirical research suggests that social support is one of the most important variables in helping grievers cope. There are many grief groups that meet in person and online. Even social media can be used to help connect grievers to one another. (Grieving parents and grandparents and siblings can search for support near you at www.MISSFoundation.org and we have more than 20 online support groups there too called the "Forums".) 4. Get out into nature if weather permits. Take a walk, hike, or just sit outside. If that’s not possible, then bring nature inside. Create an indoor window garden or a Zen sand garden. When possible, expose yourself to natural sunlight at least a 10 minutes each day. 5. Move your body. Exercise, yoga, stretching, or even just walking can help increase our capacity to cope with fluctuations in our emotional states. 6. Practice intentional solitude using contemplative prayer, silent time, or meditation. Take a few minutes every morning and evening to breathe slowly and deeply, eyes lightly closed. Focus on the stillness if you can. Keep this practice going. Even 5 minutes a day can help. 7. Change your routine. From the small things, like changing the music you play when putting up the tree, changing the meal you eat for a holiday, or leaving town for a vacation at the holidays, novelty can help us cope with the holidays. Since everything has changed, its okay to change traditions. 8. If you are spending time with others during the holidays, tell them in advance of your fragility. Let them know that you may leave early (it’s nothing personal toward them), ask them if there is a quiet spot in the house where you can go to be alone if you need it, and tell them the ways in which you’d like them to discuss- or not to discuss- your feelings openly with others. 9. Give others explicit permission to talk about your precious loved one who died. Sometimes, fear gets in the way of others approaching the bereaved. You can write a letter delineating what you would like. For example, Dear friends, At this time of year, we are struggling without our daughter, Jane, in our home. We know it is frightening but we’d like to ask you to talk about her with us and to ask how we are really doing. We’d like you to remember her in your prayers, and then tell us when you do. We’d like you to consider a donation to X charity in her name. Please send us emails rather than calling us. We find phone calls to be overwhelming right now. We’d appreciate help with meals during the week of Christmas. If you are able to leave a meal at the door, we’d appreciate it. Our friend, Mary, will be coordinating that for us. Please contact her at XXX-XXXX. Finally, we love to receive cards so please keep them coming. We love hearing your favorite memories of Jane. Thank you. We are grateful for your support, and will need it for many years to come. 10. Finally, give yourself permission to take care of you and your family first. It is okay to turn down invitations to events, to cut back on holiday celebrations and décor, and to ask for help with child family members who may also be grieving. Eat nourishing food, drink water, get enough rest when you can, and watch alcohol/drug consumption. Stress, naturally, distracts us from self-care, so you’ll need to be more vigilant during this time of year. Finally, cry if you want/need. The suppression of tears has never been useful for me. In fact, I oft felt sick when I chronically avoided or pressed down on my tears. I finally surrendered to what I termed 'marathon' sessions of grieving. They generally lasted about 15-20 mins, I might fall asleep from exhaustion, but I always felt a relief of weight after I let go of my tears. There is no question that, for many, grief and the sense of isolation and loneliness amplifies during holidays. Some of these ideas may help us cope and remain more self-aware, self-compassionate, and feeling more connected to those around us who love us, to our precious one who died, and to a deeper and wounded part of our self. Together, and connected, we can get through these dark days. Meanwhile, I hold pause for each and every broken heart reading this. I may never know you and your beloved who died, but through my silent moments, I consider the suffering hearts in the world and I send my love and shared grief. It is the one thing that unites us, after all, as beings around the world: To love, to lose, and to grieve. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore (c) 2009 originally printed on my blog www.JoanneCacciatore.com www.certification.missfoundation.org

We don't like to see those we love in pain. We all have that impulse to help. We want so badly for things to be OK. When I ask you to respond differently, I'm ...not telling you to suppress that impulse to remove someone's pain. That would be impossible. What I *am* asking is that you notice the impulse to make things better, and then--don't act on it. In that pause, you get to decide what the best course of action truly is. Acknowledgement of the reality of pain is usually a far better response than trying to fix it. Bearing witness is what is most called for. #megandevine #refugeingrief #itsokthatyourenotok #griefrevolution #griefsupport #lifeafterloss #griefsucks #brokenheart #grief #griefandloss #bereavement #loss #imissyou #mentalhealth #selfcare #selfkindness #cancersucks #fuckcancer #miscarriage #stillborn #pregnancyloss #infantloss #childloss #chronicpain #chronicillness #spoonie #invisibleillness #chronicillnesswarrior #depressionhelp #dementia #howtohelp #normalizegrief

Someone asked me why I choose to keep my daughter’s photo near if it brings me grief. In many cultures, this is a sanctioned time to remember those who’ve die...d. For me, this time is every day. I never wish to forget, ever, not even for a moment. I simply must remember the people I love who have died even though it brings my heart deep sadness. Not to remember them feels, for me, like I’m living a lie and like they are dying twice. Those are not options in my world. I know many of you reading will get this. I send tender compassion to all the broken hearts tonight missing.... www.JoanneCacciatore.com

Happy Birthday Jackie! I still love you and miss you

In grief you're going to meet hate, you're going to meet anger, you're going to meet emotional pain, you're going to meet rage, you're going to meet terror. If you get through that you're probably going to feel torn to pieces. You might feel crazy. You might end up in a total emotional abyss. You're probably very likely to end up in an emotional abyss. You need to feel that emotional abyss. You need to let that abyss swallow you. ... Close off your experience of the abyss and... you close off the flow of life. Block that anger and you block your vitality. Block that fear and you block your excitement. Block that deep emotional pain and you block your access to compassion. Even block your hatred and you block your access to peace. Block your experience of that abyss and you will block access to the depth of who you really are and the energy that's going to take you forward. Right in the center of that abyss ... you'll find your liberation. https://youtu.be/juET61B1P98

MAY 26, 2019... 35 YEARS

You can replace "grief" and "loss" with whatever difficulty, pain, suffering is in your life... and the lesson is the same. Embracing your emotions keeps you alive and loving. The healing is in the pain. -- "If I let myself feel my emotions, I won't be able to function" ... The thing is, we're much more likely to NOT function, actually, if we block our emotions. Research shows that we're much more likely to get anxiety, depression, eating disorders, even become violent, if we... suppress our emotions. -- You need to embrace everything that grief brings you. -- In grief you're going to meet hate, you're going to meet anger, you're going to meet emotional pain, you're going to meet rage, you're going to meet terror. If you get through that you're probably going to feel torn to pieces. You might feel crazy. You might end up in a total emotional abyss. You're probably very likely to end up in an emotional abyss. You need to feel that emotional abyss. You need to let that abyss swallow you. ... Close off your experience of the abyss and you close off the flow of life. Block that anger and you block your vitality. Block that fear and you block your excitement. Block that deep emotional pain and you block your access to compassion. Even block your hatred and you block your access to peace. Block your experience of that abyss and you will block access to the depth of who you really are and the energy that's going to take you forward. Right in the center of that abyss ... you'll find your liberation. -- Let loss be a life adventure. And the way to do that, stay with it, breath, and let your inner experience guide you. -- https://youtu.be/juET61B1P98

https://youtu.be/v8EVotIk8JQ

The countdown is here... throughout the course of this week, and into the December holidays, families around the world will be gathered to celebrate. While man...y in society experience the holidays as joyful albeit stressful, there are few more painful and stressful times of year for those who are grieving. I felt really frustrated when others pressed me, early in grief especially, to feel thankful, even though I could (momentarily) still feel morsels of thankfulness. But when your most beloved one dies, it's pretty hard to 'give thanks' for much... People have asked me how I cope with special occasions through the years since my daughter's death in 1994. In my two decades of being bereaved, working with countless bereaved families and researching the bereaved, I've discovered some ways to cope and connect us deeply with self, other, and the natural world during what can be a very overwhelming time of year: 1. Sharing your feelings openly and honestly with others directly may help them to understand. Sometimes, the process of discussing the loved one who died before the gathering begins can relieve the tension others may feel wondering, Should I talk about this or not? If you can, be clear about how you feel: "Can we please have a moment of silence for Jacob before we eat?" or something like that. 2. Rituals are often very helpful, especially new ones. Rituals are ways that we *remember* them, and remembering them, while painful, is so very important for our broken hearts. A few ideas, for example, include lighting a candle and having a moment of silence at the beginning of the holiday meal or playing a specific song, asking family members to make a donation to a specific charity in his/her name, setting an empty place at the table for him/her and asking each person to tell their favorite memory, volunteering as a family in his/ her memory, buying a gift for a child the same age and donating it, and a craft-making project where family and friends make an ornament in his/her memory. This not only gives others permission to share their feelings but also brings people together by enacting grief. 3. Connection with a support group in your area can be very helpful. Empirical research suggests that social support is one of the most important variables in helping grievers cope. There are many grief groups that meet in person and online. Even social media can be used to help connect grievers to one another. (Grieving parents and grandparents and siblings can search for support near you at www.MISSFoundation.org and we have more than 20 online support groups there too called the "Forums".) 4. Get out into nature if weather permits. Take a walk, hike, or just sit outside. If that’s not possible, then bring nature inside. Create an indoor window garden or a Zen sand garden. When possible, expose yourself to natural sunlight at least a 10 minutes each day. 5. Move your body. Exercise, yoga, stretching, or even just walking can help increase our capacity to cope with fluctuations in our emotional states. 6. Practice intentional solitude using contemplative prayer, silent time, or meditation. Take a few minutes every morning and evening to breathe slowly and deeply, eyes lightly closed. Focus on the stillness if you can. Keep this practice going. Even 5 minutes a day can help. 7. Change your routine. From the small things, like changing the music you play when putting up the tree, changing the meal you eat for a holiday, or leaving town for a vacation at the holidays, novelty can help us cope with the holidays. Since everything has changed, its okay to change traditions. 8. If you are spending time with others during the holidays, tell them in advance of your fragility. Let them know that you may leave early (it’s nothing personal toward them), ask them if there is a quiet spot in the house where you can go to be alone if you need it, and tell them the ways in which you’d like them to discuss- or not to discuss- your feelings openly with others. 9. Give others explicit permission to talk about your precious loved one who died. Sometimes, fear gets in the way of others approaching the bereaved. You can write a letter delineating what you would like. For example, Dear friends, At this time of year, we are struggling without our daughter, Jane, in our home. We know it is frightening but we’d like to ask you to talk about her with us and to ask how we are really doing. We’d like you to remember her in your prayers, and then tell us when you do. We’d like you to consider a donation to X charity in her name. Please send us emails rather than calling us. We find phone calls to be overwhelming right now. We’d appreciate help with meals during the week of Christmas. If you are able to leave a meal at the door, we’d appreciate it. Our friend, Mary, will be coordinating that for us. Please contact her at XXX-XXXX. Finally, we love to receive cards so please keep them coming. We love hearing your favorite memories of Jane. Thank you. We are grateful for your support, and will need it for many years to come. 10. Finally, give yourself permission to take care of you and your family first. It is okay to turn down invitations to events, to cut back on holiday celebrations and décor, and to ask for help with child family members who may also be grieving. Eat nourishing food, drink water, get enough rest when you can, and watch alcohol/drug consumption. Stress, naturally, distracts us from self-care, so you’ll need to be more vigilant during this time of year. Finally, cry if you want/need. The suppression of tears has never been useful for me. In fact, I oft felt sick when I chronically avoided or pressed down on my tears. I finally surrendered to what I termed 'marathon' sessions of grieving. They generally lasted about 15-20 mins, I might fall asleep from exhaustion, but I always felt a relief of weight after I let go of my tears. There is no question that, for many, grief and the sense of isolation and loneliness amplifies during holidays. Some of these ideas may help us cope and remain more self-aware, self-compassionate, and feeling more connected to those around us who love us, to our precious one who died, and to a deeper and wounded part of our self. Together, and connected, we can get through these dark days. Meanwhile, I hold pause for each and every broken heart reading this. I may never know you and your beloved who died, but through my silent moments, I consider the suffering hearts in the world and I send my love and shared grief. It is the one thing that unites us, after all, as beings around the world: To love, to lose, and to grieve. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore (c) 2009 originally printed on my blog www.JoanneCacciatore.com www.certification.missfoundation.org

We don't like to see those we love in pain. We all have that impulse to help. We want so badly for things to be OK. When I ask you to respond differently, I'm ...not telling you to suppress that impulse to remove someone's pain. That would be impossible. What I *am* asking is that you notice the impulse to make things better, and then--don't act on it. In that pause, you get to decide what the best course of action truly is. Acknowledgement of the reality of pain is usually a far better response than trying to fix it. Bearing witness is what is most called for. #megandevine #refugeingrief #itsokthatyourenotok #griefrevolution #griefsupport #lifeafterloss #griefsucks #brokenheart #grief #griefandloss #bereavement #loss #imissyou #mentalhealth #selfcare #selfkindness #cancersucks #fuckcancer #miscarriage #stillborn #pregnancyloss #infantloss #childloss #chronicpain #chronicillness #spoonie #invisibleillness #chronicillnesswarrior #depressionhelp #dementia #howtohelp #normalizegrief

Someone asked me why I choose to keep my daughter’s photo near if it brings me grief. In many cultures, this is a sanctioned time to remember those who’ve die...d. For me, this time is every day. I never wish to forget, ever, not even for a moment. I simply must remember the people I love who have died even though it brings my heart deep sadness. Not to remember them feels, for me, like I’m living a lie and like they are dying twice. Those are not options in my world. I know many of you reading will get this. I send tender compassion to all the broken hearts tonight missing.... www.JoanneCacciatore.com