The Holistic Psychologist

Our time hiding from our own shadows has us lost, confused, + angry. Ancestral generational trauma is expressing (in a noisy way if you’ve been observing) itself to be healed. My intention is for this book to allow people to know the truth of who they are.... My intention is for people to understand their behaviors are protections, their cycles are patterns they can unlearn, + their true nature is happy, abundant, loving, + free. We are awakening to this truth #selfhealers

In all of my formal training as a clinical psychologist, we never learned about mental wellness. Everything was focused on illness. On managing symptoms. Being an active participant in your own healing is the foundation of this work. How are YOU feeling #selfhealers

When we are children, we are imprinted with the emotions around us. Our bonds with parent figures create neural pathways around these emotions. The emotional state that we bond in becomes the emotional state we seek to bond in as adults. If love meant consistent chaos, the body learns this state too. It needs this emotion to feel like our familiar self. In my home there was consistent chaos. Small issues would become ‘big’ because the adults in my home didn’t have the skill o...f emotional regulation. This is a reactionary state where one member of a family feels something + everyone else feels it too. In cycles. The up + down of these states becomes the mind + body’s ‘normal.’ I began to notice a pattern play out in my relationships. If I didn’t have any chaos or dramatic interactions, I felt anxiety. This anxiety was actually fear based. I’d learned from my earliest years that chaos was connection. When I didn’t have it, my body unconsciously tried to find it. I’d pick fights. Or push partners away. Or make childish comments. Anything to get the reaction I had come to know as love. Addiction to chaotic emotional states is incredibly common. I saw this most in couples therapy where couples would try to stop arguing, but would end up in cycles of the same arguments over + over. There’s a lot of shame around this because the logic wise adult mind does truly want to stop these patterns. The unconscious mind + body seek them which is why it’s important to become consciously aware. This helps us make new choices. To this day, I struggle with allowing myself to do nothing + relax. This feels in some ways scary. My ego tells me tons of stories of what I should be doing. Relaxation is foreign to so many of us because when there was calm, chaos was right around the corner. And our mind + body had to be hyper vigilant. The mind + body had to be ready #selfhealers

The core collective wound. The root of our suffering. The healing we are all needing. And so we wake up #selfhealers

Our ego is the chatter box in our mind constantly telling us stories about who we are. These stories are based on the lived experiences of our past. This is why most of us are stuck. We have not learned to witness + question the egos stories. So, we behave + react as if those stories are truth. This causes us to consistently repeat patterns. Let’s say you go on a date. It’s your first date + after chatting for a few days before, you’re excited. Things seem to be going well. A...s you’re on the date, your ego is creating all sorts of stories. Trying to make sense of how this person feels about you. Overall, you think it went well. You think they’re interested. A few days pass. There’s no texts or phone calls. The ego starts creating tons of stories around why. No one will ever love me I’m not good enough I’ll be single forever. You pick up your phone throughout the day, now incredibly fixated on if this person will contact you. Your ego is activated. It feels terrified of abandonment or rejection. You actually don’t objectively know why that person hasn’t contacted you, but your ego is sure of it. In an attempt to not feel this (perceived) abandonment, you reach out to an ex. You’ve told yourself before, you were done contacting this person, but the ego is needing validation. This is a way to avoid the painful past. This keeps you stuck. Engaging in patterns + dynamics you wish to heal from. The ego is simply the identity of self created based on lived experiences. Ego work is the practice of observing the stories within your own mind + breathing through them. Questioning them. The wise self can step in to affirm: I don’t know why this person hasn’t contacted me. They might be busy. There could be an emergency. Maybe they’re not interested. Maybe they’re unavailable. This means nothing about who I am. I am worthy of authentic connection. I do not need to perform or seek to be chosen. I choose #selfhealers

The internal emotional world reflects outward. Observe yourself. Observe those around youyou’ll find this to be true. Ego will resist this because it loves to make things personal. That’s how it feels valid #selfhealers

It took me a while to see this within myself. Then, I started to saw this truth in everyone I encountered. Adults who were not seen, heard, + able to authentically express as children spend a lifetime trying to do all they can to avoid feeling that pain ever again. Be kind, we all do this #selfhealers

The inner child exists within all of us. The experiences, wounding, trauma, + attachments we experience as children have the most profound effect on how we behave as adults. This part of us doesn’t just go away. Let’s say you get a call from your boss. He tells you that your presentation or spreadsheet needs a bit of work. Immediately your heart starts racing. Thoughts flood your mind: I’m an idiot. I’m going to lose my job I’ll never get a promotion. Your boss objectiv...ely explains the two issues there are with your work that can be fixed easily. Your wise adult self can hear this. A few changes + you’ll be all good. Your adult wise adult self understands these changes mean nothing about who you are, they’re just necessary to get the best result. Your inner child is panicked. Right back to when you were 9 years old + went up to your mom with your report card. You were excited to show her how well you did. She glances down at the report card + notices that although you got almost straight A’s, you got one B. She says Wow, what happened here? Why did you get a B? Too bad, you almost got it perfect. In that moment your child self was crushed. Shamed. The person you desperately wanted to see you left you feeling less than. On that phone call, your inner child is with you. How do we do inner child work? Acknowledge those feelings. Take a deep breath + allow the feelings + thoughts without judging yourself. Often we dismiss or invalidate the inner child’s emotions (as a parent once did). Being dialogue with the inner child that’s ok. This feels scary. You’re ok. We are ok. I am here to protect you. You’re loved. You’re worthy just as you are. This feels awkward at first + with practice it brings healing #selfhealers

I launched @the.holistic.psychologist in 2018. Back then, I was living in Philadelphia, in private practice with a tiny corner office. For years before I’d become slowly disillusioned with my role as a therapist. The work didn’t feel in alignment. I’d been on my own healing journey after an intense emotional breakdown + I wanted to work in a different way. I wasn’t fully aware of it then, but what I wanted to be was a teacher. A guide to show people their own power. I wanted ...to teach people how to heal themselves. So I created content every day with my the help of my partner in our apartment. Instagram posts. Newsletters. A YouTube channel. In the process this community grew. Completely organically. Soon I started getting DMs from people from around the world who did this work + completely transformed. That kept me going. That kept me creating. That kept me believing in myself + this vision. I created my self guided community healing platform a year later. 3 MILLION of you are here now never did I visualize that. There are actually no words for how much I appreciate + love this community. Every opportunity I have ever had is because of your support. Thank you for allowing me to live in purpose. As a thank you, I’m giving away 10 yearly scholarships to the next opening of the SelfHealers Circle. (5) of these scholarships are exclusively available to POC. TO ENTER: just comment with what content helps you most + you’re automatically entered. Winners picked 11/22 (open internationally) #selfhealers

When I first began talking about spirituality on Instagram I learned quickly that I would be mocked or critiqued by some therapists. Coming out of the spiritual closet as a psychologist was more difficult than coming out of the gay closet at 19. I’d be called woo-woo or clownery unethical unscientific for acknowledging the whole human mind, body, + soul. The thought process was that spirituality is somehow separate from psychology + should be treated that way. It’s ...this separation we’ve been trained around + it’s why we as humans have lost our way we’ve lost our intuitive connection. We don’t know who we are. Most of us are small children (developmentally) wondering around in adult bodies seeking another person to not emotionally abandon us or to reenact the conflicted relationship we had with a partner. We don’t know the self or trust the self, so our worth must be found through another. Spirituality gives us an overhead view life. We can practice this awareness to witness ourselves, our patterns, our responses, + our emotional/energetic states. Our soul is that part of ourselves that knows we are more than the ego or the IDEA of who we are. It knows we didn’t come here to live, compete, work, exist on autopilot, then die. It seeks healing from trauma, limiting beliefs, + conditioned coping mechanisms that we inherited from other people. The truth is, we came here to create. To find purpose. To be free. To exist in our natural, collaborative space of abundance + share it so that others may realize this is their true nature, too. To form community. To give more than we take. To learn how to trust, surrender, + forgive. We are a traumatized collective. With hurt hearts from attachment wounding + bodies full of trauma that leaves us exhausted + emotionally reactive. This plays out every single day in our world. As this trauma bubbles more + more to the surface, so does the opportunity for collective healing. We are remembering who we are mind, body, AND soul #selfhealers

For years, I stumbled out of bed after hitting snooze countless times. Then, I went about my day in autopilot. Going from one thing from the next, completely distracted. Avoiding myself. This is what most of us do we are afraid of our own thoughts + emotions. We haven’t learned how to sit with them. Few of us were modeled this by our parent figures. The work is about connecting to true yourself. The work is about becoming self aware. How do we come self aware? We meet oursel...ves. Of course, when you begin this work, the ego will protest this is pointless I shouldn’t be doing x just hit snooze + sleep more don’t bother, you never stick with anything. The ego will always show up with its stories (+ massive resistance) when we want to step out of patterns. This is because the ego loves the familiar. The predictable. This keeps us stuck. Creating a sacred space for yourself is an act of self love. Put anything you love in that space, it’s just to you. You’ll also want to place things in the space to choose from. Maybe your journal, your new book, headphones to listen to your favorite album, a coloring book. Give yourself options for how you spend that 10 minutes. [] Be sure to honor yourself. Tell your inner child this is for us. Congratulate yourself a few times in the day I’m proud of you for showing up for you. This will feel awkward at first stick with it. I still do this. Be the wise inner parent who roots yourself along your own journey. It’s the consistency, the practice, the repetition that heals#selfhealers

A lot of people think because I live + teach this work that I’m like a monk. Or, that I’m obsessively engaged with my own inner world overanalyzing my ego. Or, that I’m some all knowing guru who has it all futured out. The truth is I’m very human. I zone out. Get cranky. I binge watch shows (married at first sight is on current rotation.) Say things I regret. Have a glass of wine. Or smoke a joint + scroll social media to distract myself from myself. I still get on my own nerves, regularly I’ve come to expect it. So much of this work is actually integration, self acceptance, + unlearning the patterns of harsh self judgement we inherited from childhood. So much of this is learning how to BE rather than learning how to DO #selfhealers

Being open minded is a practice. In reality, few of us are open minded because the ability to be open minded involves two skills many of us lack: emotional regulation (the ability to process difficult emotions) + nervous system regulation/higher brain function (this isn’t available to those of us with unresolved trauma) You’ll see this play out often in social media comments or in debates. Or, in seemingly standard conversation within families that quickly turns into an emoti...onal explosion. Open mindedness allows us to grow, evolve, + heal. WAYS TO BECOME MORE OPEN MINDED: 1. Regularly consume content that challenges your perception/world view. When I began this practice I would watch countless YouTube videos or read countless articles that were ‘against’ my beliefs. This allowed me to get past my immediate emotional responses to actually (listen to) the objective points being made. With a ton of practice, I found myself actually understanding various frameworks of thought even if they weren’t my own. 2. Learn to become a free thinker: a free thinker is someone who thinks about what they think. Most of us are unconsciously repeating information that’s told to us (as we were conditioned to do through education systems.) A free thinker doesn’t have a check system or a framework of beliefs, they engage in conscious thoughts of: does this make sense to me? Can I be sure this is accurate? Can I ask more questions to get clarity? Am I having an emotional response to this that is clouding my ability to view this clearly? All of this is a practice of self trust + self inquiry. 3. Have relationships, friendships, or mentorships from people who have a wide variety of beliefs. This humanizes ‘opposing’ view points + allows you to evolve beyond one dimensional patterns of thinking. 4. Practice meditation. This allows you to learn a different way of responding to your thoughts + with practice allows you to sit with difficult emotions. Sitting with difficult emotions is the foundation of open mindedness #selfhealers