Bonnie Koss, LSW

Great resource . https://www.chesco.org/4890/Mental-Health-Hotline

one job we have as parents is to not silence our child's spirit!" These words resonate with me as a parent, as a Social Worker and as human being - I do believe this is the hardest part for us to understand as parents. We get lost in stories of "respect", "obedience", and tbh control. This is the root of childhood anxiety and depression as I see it; When we are not true to self we manifest growing amounts of anxiety and depression. If you love your child or your neighbor then love them. I work with parents, individuals, and teens to figure out who they are and remove all the shame and guilt. As the mirror of worth for our kids we better know our own and reflect back theirs. https://fb.watch/4j7lrbsn51/"The

Saw this today and it sums it up! Our mind likes to keep things neat and tidy and therefore often makes life seem like it "should be"two dimensional, but it is messy and dynamic! Messy is where all the fun and comfort lives... Our past and present trauma often forces us to believe we need order and control of how others see us to be safe, but in the end, we are isolated and undernourished. If you want to understand how we set up our relationships to be more safe, soft, and supportive than reach out. I have set up my own relationships like the image in the past and have learned to sooth my own judgement and comparison to practice being with myself and others more.

I do think biologically some of us are more prone or more vulnerable but I really agree with when we are not true to self this is when we see depression and anxiety being fed. It takes reconnecting with our own (whatever each individual's maybe) morals and values and then redesigning our lives to live congruent with them. Not that it is easy, as it feels scary, uncomfortable, and just not natural anymore. Yet, when I see people "living their best life" (not free of pain or sa...dness as we all need negative light to have positive light) they are being true to self and do not fear what others say or may say about them.... They walk through the world with a calm that many of us never experience because we are too busy trying to manage our relationships rather than knowing and being in them - the attachment piece. Then we are constantly under nourished because we are not receiving from those very relationships, that the video shows, we need in order to be sustained as humans. We are in a cycle of proving our worth from endless doing till exhaustion and then the blame sets in. Rather than realizing, we have blocked the exchange of caring and nourishment to protect our underdeveloped selves. What a crazy making cycle for all of us and this is where I gently smile and see it in myself too. I share as a reminder to just watch it rather than act on it, as uneasy as that makes us. https://youtu.be/BVg2bfqblGI See more

To all my "all or nothing" thinkers... YES!!!!

If Christmas is hard, If you’ve lost someone dear. Just look in your heart, And you’ll know they’re still here. ... The star in the sky, The light falling snow. The robin outside, It seems like they know. If this is a time, When you’re struggling through. Just do what you can, For what matters, is you. There’s no need to be merry, There’s no need to bright. Just do what you can, It will all be alright.

This was a memory post from 2 years ago but still stands!!! I have one more post in me that I have to get out before I "shut down" to be with my own family, fri...ends, and I get to partake in "liking" all your family photos and cheer. Here goes, these last two times I was lucky enough to be invited into these underserved, underfunded, under appreciated schools I saw where our "tokens" of kindness and consistency of presence was creating relationships. Conversations are starting to truly happen and here is what I am learning. I am learning the same lessons I have learned from my patients over the years. I am learning the same lessons I learned when I was in individual and couples therapy for myself. We all wakeup EVERYday wanting to do our best, be our best selves. Not one person wakes up choosing to be a "loser," a "failure," to not measure up. So why do I criticize myself, criticize my partner, criticize my kids, criticize anyone who I come into contact with who is doing his or her best given a whole host of circumstances including their own internal criticisms? Why don't I look for the good in myself and build off that! Build off the good in my marriage, my kids, and everyone I see trying to do the very best they can in any given moment with any given host of circumstance. Not one person needs to be judged. We are all doing ENOUGH of that internally. We all know where we could do better, learn more, try harder... But what motivates us to move in that direction is praise. The belief in ourselves and from others that they see how hard we are trying to be the best we can be given our circumstances. I am seeing through my time in the schools that this is true on the institutional level. If we focus on these two schools and the pages of circumstances as to why their test scores, drop out rates, violent incidents, and grade point averages don't measure up then we are adding to the overwhelming sense of failure. But if we highlight the ABSOLUTE dedication, desire, strength, and determination it takes for these schools to run ( AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THEM) then we will begin to admire, respect, and reveal the TRUE success and potential that exists. I often use this group to highlight the needs of this community but I do not want that to EVER be mistaken for judgement or belief that I think these schools are lost, beyond repair, or not worthy. I am posting about this because a lot of what was revealed yesterday as we set-up our appreciation cookies and coco was that these schools and the people in them, feel judged, criticized, and highlighted for their short comings. So I ask that we try and remember to change our frame of reference from judgement and criticism to KNOWING and POSITIVITY that we all want to be and do better including these institutions. When we read about the budget cuts think and be mindful about what that does to the morale and psyche of these schools. When you read about the reported incidents that happen in these schools, or the reading levels of the students, or all the other hosts of comparisons we place on people and institutions - remind yourself - this kind of critic doesn't promote positive change. It certainly doesn't promote growth and learning. in fact, It shuts me down. This group has been a beautiful reminder of this for me, many times, most times, I doubt, feel silly, stupid, a mess and your positive and encouraging messages lift me up, motivate me to keep on keeping on. We need to do this with our own internal dialogue and our external encouragement to those in our lives directly and beyond. So on that note, I say, THANK YOU! I KNOW each one of you are THE BEST, I have seen it, felt it, and watched YOU rise up and show up! Happy Healthy joyous and most importantly peaceful (in our own heads first and then in the world) New Year.

(one minute read - potentially life changing...) By Kurt Vonnegut: When I was 15, I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the... archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of getting to know you questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes. And he went WOW. That’s amazing! And I said, Oh no, but I’m not any good at ANY of them. And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them. And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could Win at them. - Kurt Vonnegut

My mom did not sleep. She felt exhausted. She was irritable, grumpy, and bitter. She was always sick until one day, suddenly, she changed. One day my dad said t...o her: - I've been looking for a job for three months and I haven't found anything, I'm going to have a few beers with friends. My mom replied: - It's okay. My brother said to her: - Mom, I'm doing poorly in all subjects at the University. My mom replied: - Okay, you will recover, and if you don't, well, you repeat the semester, but you pay the tuition. My sister said to her: - Mom, I smashed the car. My mom replied: - Okay daughter, take it to the car shop & find how to pay and while they fix it, get around by bus or subway. Her daughter-in-law said to her: - Mother-in-law, I came to spend a few months with you. My mom replied: - Okay, settle in the living room couch and look for some blankets in the closet. All of us gathered worried to see these reactions coming from Mom. We suspected that she had gone to the doctor and that she was prescribed some pills called "I don't give a damn... Perhaps she was overdosing on these! We then proposed to do an "intervention" w/my mother to remove her from any possible addiction she had towards some anti-tantrum medication. But then ... she gathered us around her and my mom explained: "It took me a long time to realize that each person is responsible for their life. It took me years to discover that my anguish, anxiety, my depression, my courage, my insomnia & my stress, does not solve your problems but aggravates mine. I am not responsible for the actions of anyone & it’s not my job to provide happiness but I am responsible for the reactions I express to that. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that my duty to myself is to remain calm and let each one of you solve what corresponds to you. I have taken courses in yoga, meditation, miracles, human development, mental hygiene, vibration and neurolinguistic programming and in all of them, I found a common denominator in them all... I can only control myself, you have all the necessary resources to solve your own problems despite how hard they may be. My job is to pray for you, love on you, encourage you but it’s up to YOU to solve them & find your happiness. I can only give you my advice if you ask me & it depends on you to follow it or not. There are consequences, good or bad, to your decisions and YOU have to live them. So from now on, I cease to be the receptacle of your responsibilities, the sack of your guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the wall of your lamentations, the depositary of your duties, who should solve your problems or spare a tire every time to fulfill your responsibilities. From now on, I declare all independent and self-sufficient adults. Everyone at my mom's house was speechless. From that day on, the family began to function better because everyone in the house knew exactly what it is that they needed to do. . . For some of us this is hard because we've grown up being the caregivers feeling responsible for others. As moms & wives we are fixers off all things. We never want our loved ones to go through difficult things or to struggle. We want everyone to be happy. But, the sooner we take that responsibility off of our shoulders & on to each loved one, the better we are preparing them to be MEsponsible. We are not here on earth to be everything to everyone. Stop putting that pressure on yourself. Love you. *I personally did not write this. I came upon it,found it to be powerful and in this crazy time thought it would be a good "read" to share*

A friend shared this and I really liked the lesson! *original poster (Kate Scott 2020)*: RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE. When I was at one of my lowest (mental) poin...ts in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by. I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say. What are you struggling with? he asked. I gestured around me and said I dunno man. Life. Not satisfied with my answer, he said No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you? I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial. Something more profound. But I didn’t. So I told him, Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes. I felt like an idiot even saying it. What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes? But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said: RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE. I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me. Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules. It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express. That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times. I felt like I had conquered a dragon. The next day, I took a shower lying down. A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit. There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again. Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry. But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson: THERE ARE NO RULES. RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

Master, how can I face isolation? -Clean your house. Thoroughly. In every corner. Even the ones you never felt like, the courage and the patience to play. ...Make your house bright and well cared for. It removes dust, cobwebs, impurities. Even the most hidden. Your house represents you: if you take care of it, you also take care of yourself. -Master but the time is long. After taking care of me through my house, how can I live the isolation? -Fix what can be fixed and remove what you no longer need. Dedicate yourself to the patchwork, embroider the starts of your pants, sew well the frayed edges of your dresses, restore a piece of furniture, repair everything worth repairing. The rest, throw it away. With gratitude. And with the awareness that its cycle has ended. Fixing and removing outside of yourself allows you to fix or remove what's inside of you. -Master and then what? What can I do all the time alone? -Sowing. Even a seed in a vase. Take care of a plant, water it every day, talk to it, give it a name, remove the dry leaves and weeds that can suffocate it and steal precious vital energy. It is a way of caring for your inner seeds, your desires, your intentions, your ideals. -Master and if the void comes to visit me? ... If fear of illness and death come? -Talk to them. Prepare the table for them too, reserve a place for each of your fears. Invite them to dinner with you. And ask them why they came from so far to your house. What message do they want to bring you. What do they want to communicate to you. -Master, I don't think I can do this ... -It is not isolation your problem, but the fear of facing your inner dragons Those that you always wanted to get away from you. Now you can't run away. Look them in the eyes, listen to them and you will discover that they put you against the wall. They've isolated you so they can talk to you. Like the seeds that can only sprout if they are alone. Prakasa Yoga Photo: Sawaki Kódó