Anne Unterkoefler, LCSW

Although we tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness, a lasting relationship results from a couple’s ability to manage the conflicts that are inev...itable in any relationship. - Dr. John Gottman Learn how to build up effective communication and master conflict management in your partnership on the Gottman Relationship Blog: http://bit.ly/3hcl3wJ

It is estimated that 15-20% of the population is highly sensitive. There is even a scale to measure it! (Benham, 2006). One of my clients introduced me to... Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person. I went online to find out more took her short test and knew from the questions that I needed to learn more. (Here is the link to the test: https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/). In her book, Elaine Aron has 23 true or false questions as a self-test to identify if you are a highly sensitive person. I am a strong YES in 17/23 and ambivalent about the others. She says if you score 12 or more that you are likely to be highly sensitive. One of the statements was being very hungry creates a strong reaction is me, disrupting my concentration or mood (p. xxxiv). When I read this out loud my husband burst out laughing. This is a joke in my family. I carry food around with me in my handbag just in case I get caught somewhere with no food. I read the list to my husband to gauge his responses. maybe everyone will score high. He scored 5. I don’t drink coffee; it makes me clean the house for hours (some might think this is a good thing. but in my case not, there is a frantic rush and then I collapse and need to sleep). I don’t watch horror movies (I still have ‘Scream’ from 15 years ago imprinted in my mind never again). I plan my weekends in blocks. Blocks when I am with my family, blocks with friends and large blocks when I am alone at home and have no plans. I know from past experience that if I spend all weekend with friends and family that I leave the weekend feeling tired and unfulfilled. I just need a different balance to some other people. For me, reading her book was a huge relief. There are other people who experience the world in the same way as me! Is this you? _____ Reference Aron, E. N. (2016). The Highly Sensitive Person. NY, New York; Random House. Grant Benham, The Highly Sensitive Person: Stress and physical symptom reports, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 40, Issue 7, 2006. #mentalhealth #psychology #relationships #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthrecovery #counselling #mentalhealthsupport #positivepsychology #healing

"When we take responsibility for words or actions that have caused distress, we are opening the door to changes we need to make in order to be our best selves. ...Defensiveness keeps the door slammed shut. Defensiveness is another way of saying, 'I’m perfect as I am, therefore I don’t need to grow or change in any way.' This attitude leads to personal stagnation. It also leads to loneliness, as most others don’t consider themselves to be perfect, and therefore, can’t relate to you or connect with you. When we take responsibility, there is an audible sigh from those around us, as if they are saying, Oh good, it’s okay that we are not perfect too [now] we can all relax together in our own human imperfection! Drs. John and Julie Gottman dive into the Antidote for Defensiveness in the new Gottman Relationship Coach: How to Make Your Relationship Work. Shop now: https://bit.ly/2IT2YHi

Self care is important.

"For most people, when they are flooded, their heart rate rises to over 100 beats per minute. You feel overwhelmed and intensely stressed. Your capacity to hear... and understand someone else is limited. In this state of mind, you are more likely to say or do something you will later regret. [...] You cannot have a conversation that validates and creates harmony. It is also upsetting for your loved one to speak to a Stonewalling listener. Your stony silence is not neutrality or setting a boundary. It communicates disapproval and emotional distance." Check-in with your feelings when communication gets tense. Is your heart racing? Do you feel flushed? You're getting flooded, which can lead to stonewalling. Anna Aslanian, LMFT shares what to do next to diffuse the situation: https://bit.ly/2VoWQsV