Catherine Fries, MSW, LCSW

We've got to go deeper. Look at what the real problem is. Support the autonomic nervous system in finding connection, regulation, and felt-safety.... #polyvagal #polyvagaltheory #neuroception #neuroceptionsafety #autonomicnervoussystem #storyfollowsstate #behaviorsfollowstate #coregulation #feltsafety #arousalcontinuum #neurosequential #traumainformed #traumainformedparenting #beyondtraumainformed #beyondtraumainformedcare #storyofthenervoussystem #parentingaftertrauma #traumainformedschools #connectionbasedparenting #parentingwithconnection #brainbasedparenting #adoption #fostercare #parenting #parentingtips #parentingmemes #changebehaviors #opposition #oppositionaldefiantdisorder

helping your child calm down and feel better is not a reward , it is necessary for the brain and body to feel safe and behave better . Stay close , offer hugs , breathe together, allow space for the feelings to come and go.

If I see one more article about "learning loss..." For real. That's what privileged people (myself included) say about their children's advanced academic class...es. "Well, so and so is x months behind in Calculus." P.L.E.A.S.E. Our schools were BROKEN BEFORE THE PANDEMIC and we were not making any great strides forward. So just STOP. Enough with the "hurry up, and "we can catch up" BULL SH*T Slow down, connect, be real as people and with students. Don't let your school or district bully you about "amplifying" any kind of instruction. THAT'S A HARD "Pass"!

Have you ever felt shame about how hard it is for you to use shame resilience tools? Raises Hand. There's a good reason for this, and understanding why shame ca...n be sooooo sticky could be just the runway you need in order to use all those shame resilience tools you've been stockpiling. Why We Hate...Ourselves is a short virtual workshop with a mix of pre-recorded videos and live gatherings. It's pretty short but packed and powerful. You'll downloaded over 20 pages of handouts and journal prompts that will help make the slippery concept of toxic shame...welll......less slippery (shame is slippery be design....there's nothing wrong with you. Promise). When I taught this workshop (same content, different format) in December, one participant wrote me an email and said it was the most helpful workshop she'd taken in a long time- which surprised her because she had planned to multi-task during it and instead took six pages of notes! The first live meeting is Thursday April 15th. There is about 35 minutes of videos to watch before then so don't delay much longer in signing up! You'll have access the moment you register and can immediately begin watching the videos. Sound good? Have questions or want more info??? Tell me in the comments and I'll get you the info you need ASAP!!!

Read that again. BIG exhale. Behaviors are simply an externalization of inner experience. ... Connection is a biological imperative. So....a behavior that isn't inviting connection (which should not be taken to mean that everyone always wants to be in connection- that definitely isn't true) is something we want to get curious about and say "WHY?" This week, we're looking at lying specifically. Check out my blog and podcast for a closer look at what might be underneath lying!

The first step is to figure WHY a behavior is happening. In the comment section of Tiktok, someone asked about what to do when their child is running in the ho...use. Another commenter responded, Natural Consequences always work. Then, the original commenter said, My child is 6.5 and has ran and busted his head 3 times needing stitches and still hasn’t learned his lesson. The tiktok thread is getting a little cluttered so I thought I’d respond here first because this is a common conversation (and maybe make a tiktok video response). Sometimes, the lesson that we are trying to teach is not the lesson that they actually need. The lesson that this child needs probably isn’t, If you run in the house, you’ll get hurt. He is probably already aware of this but has a deep need for physical activity. The lesson that this child probably needs more of is, This is how you identify your needs and meet your needs in a more appropriate way, space and time. We get soooo frustrated because we keep saying Don’t run in the house! Stop running in the house! I thought I told you to STOP. When we do this, we are asking them to obey us and disobey their own bodies. They may stop immediately and obey us out of fear but then they will often go right back to obeying their own bodies. When we see the underlying need beneath their behavior, meet it, and teach them to meet it, then children don’t have to choose between listening to their bodies and listening to us. NOW, they have the ability to listen to both. Instead of running in unsafe places we can encourage them to run in a safe space like a playroom or outside, have a dance party, run up and down the stairs, do an obstacle course, dance with go noodle, exercise videos, yoga, rough and tumble play, roll around on some mats, the possibilities are endless when we open our minds to it. #parentcoach #parentcoaching #punishments #parentsofinstagram #learnoninstagram #parenting #parentingtips #consciousdiscipline #respectfulparenting #preschoolmom #toddlerdad #dadsofinstagram #momsofinstagram #preschoolathome #consciousparenting #discipline #toddlerparents #preschoolteacher #parentproblems #teachersofig

? ?? This is one of the most common questions I getfrom both parents AND from other therapists. I ne...ed to figure outis this bad behavior just normal kid acting up behavior? Or is this behavior because of their trauma?! Ah, I say. You’d like to distinguish between if this behavior is about this child’s trauma or not! Yes. Yeah! I’m curious- what feels helpful about being able to distinguish? Wellif it’s normal kid acting up, I’ll set a boundary and maybe a consequence. Oh! I get it! You’ll respond differently based on if the behavior is about trauma or just normal kid acting out- that’s why you want to know! You want to know how to respond! Well, yes! AHH! OK! Gosh, it seems like a lot of work to try to figure out if you child’s behavior is related to their trauma or notis this something you think about a lot? YES! I know if it’s a trauma behavior I have to respond different! If it’s about trauma then I want to meet their need and help them. Oh gosh, of course that’s what you want to do. I can see clearly how much you adore your kid, want to respond in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt. YES! I wonder if you might be open to considering an easier way to help distinguish how to respond to your child’s behaviors? And take yourself off the hook for trying to figure out all the time ‘is this due to trauma or not?’ Definitely if it’s easier, for sure. But I don’t understandI thought we really needed to know if it was a trauma behavior or not?! How do I set a boundary if I don’t know?!?! Yeah, that makes total sense that it feels really important to knowbut actuallyit really doesn’t! What is MORE important to know is how regulated or dysregulated is your child. How connected is he to his owl brain? Is her watch dog brain taking over? Or her possum brain? Uhmy kid does not have a zoo in their brain! HA! Of course not!! It’s just a playful way of looking at how dysregulated the brain is. When we’re playful, it’s easier to learn, easier to stay regulated, easier to help our kid! There are four different stages of dysregulation in the watch dog and possum brainand if we figure out what level of dysregulation your child is, we’ll know how to respond! What does dysregulation have to do with this bad behavior? He doesn’t SEEM dysregulated! Just acting bad. Wellif regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and know what to do of course, behave well, the dysregulation has everything to do with behavior! When our owl thinking brain is in charge, we behave in ways that invite connection. So, even if a behavior doesn’t LOOK dysregulated, if it’s NOT inviting connection, then we need to get curious about what’s going on INSIDE. Butwhat about my child’s trauma history? YES! We will definitely be keeping that in mind because kids with trauma history often have realllllly overactive watch dog or possum brains!!! Possums are freaky Yes I knowonce I woke up to one on my brand new laser jet printer and I screamed. It was terrifying! Uha possum? On your printer? Likeinside? YES! I’ll tell you that story later. But really my point is, we can learn to take cues from our kids about how active their watch dog brain or their possum brain isand when we know which stage they are in (calm, alert, alarm, fear, or terror) then we know what to do. And we ONLY teach when the owl brain is available and the watch dog and possum are calm. Also- even though we are talking about owls, and watch dogs and possumsthis really is based completely on brain science. SoI just let me child do whatever they want because they are dysregulated and the watch dog is taking over? Oh my, that sounds awful! Nope, definitely not. It’s our job to provide the structures, boundaries, scaffolding, and coregulation that your child needs to help them realllllly grow their owl brains. Just like if she was a toddler. Except she’s 10. I know. That’s super frustrating and exhausting for sure. And you are saying that trying to determine level of dysregulation is easier than trying to determine if it’s a behavior about trauma or not? Well it’s easier because it’s POSSIBLE. We could never truly distinguish between a trauma behavior and a not trauma behavior. That’s just not how the brain works. OkI really want to hear about what happened with that possum on your printer, so I guess tell me more about this ‘zoo in the head’ way of knowing how to respond to behaviors. ************************* Man.writing this was way more fun than I expected. What a cool job I have :) Trying to figure out if it’s a trauma behavior or not is exhaustingand ultimately impossible. We can look at the stage of dysregulation- and ultimately ask ourselves Is this child’s behavior inviting me into connection with them? NO? Wellthen we have to get beneath the behavior and figure out if they are regulated, connected to me (and themselves), and if they feel safe. Then we help THAT. The behavior is just the tip of the iceburg. **************************** You can find this article- and so much more- over on my blog :)

I can't think of many things more important than my kid learning he's worth it; that relationships are hard but worth it; that distress is tolerable and won't l...ast forever; that he's good and loveable; that he can expect people to be brave enough to acknowledge when they've messed up. It's hard to be vulnerable enough to offer a repair! Sometimes knowing the payoff makes it easier to do hard things.

Co-regulation before self-regulation. There is no other way. "We enter the world with the need to co-regulate in order to survive. And it's through enough experience of safety in co-regulation, that we learn to self-regulate. Without those early experiences of safety in co-regulation our self-regulation is a survival response. We might look successful, but our internal experience is one of sympathetically driven fear."- Deb Dana, Befriending Your Nervous System

All of this is gold.

When we focus on the real problem we can get real, long-lasting change. With a little luck, we get actual behavior change. But most importantly, we communicate ...clearly to our children that we see the truth. The truth is that they are a preciously imperfect struggling human who is showing us, with their behaviors, that they aren't feeling safe, or connected, or regulated. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with them. The truth is that they are not their behavior. The truth is that they are showing us how bad they feel on the inside with their behavior. The truth is that regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well...so when they are behaving in a way that is NOT inviting me into connection with them :) something is wrong on in the inside- and it's not a character flaw or that they just like making us mad or they are just like so-and-so. The truth isn't that they just need more consequences. And when we see our kids the way they really are- are perfectly imperfect struggling humans are are clearly dysregulated- then they become that. They begin to believe that about themselves. And then change actually becomes possible. Changing how we see people changes people. Let's go BENEATH the behavior and see the real problem. The address THAT. https://robyngobbel.com/focus-on-arousal-not-behaviors-part

This is such great information, and why I am so excited to be in the process to become a Certified TRE (trauma releasing exercises) provider! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd1A41L1AQM

Join me and leading parenting experts in this FREE Happily Family Online Conference Oct 5-9. We talk about mindfulness, current brain research, teens and toddle...rs, coping with anxiety, screens, gender and sexuality, school, and navigating friendships - https://conference.happilyfamily.com/?orid=10484&opid=21 #MindfulParenting #parenting #Mindfulness See more

This is such good information!

Being calm is one of the most misunderstood parts of regulation. Being calm is not the point- learning how to stay mindfully connected to ourselves in the mi...dst of the internal activation we experience is the the goal of learning how to regulate. When we put more value on being calm, we not only send a message that the other emotional states inside us are not as good setting ourselves up to feel guilt and shame when they arise or when being calm is a struggle, but we also set the stage to inadvertently bypass the most important part of the regulation experience- Learning how to mindfully be with all aspects of our human experience.

I am SO excited to share this news with you today! We have been waiting all summer for the Back to School season, and that day is finally here! Introducing the ...2020 Back to School Summit! For 4 WHOLE days, I'm bringing you expert interviews with over 20 expert educators who have tons of valuable advice to share with you all about getting your child or teen to start the school year off on the right foot. We're going to be talking all about how parents can help their child or teen improve academics and learning right from the start. Some topics include getting kids to listen, setting good routines, study skills, how to school during a pandemic, and much, MUCH more! We're also featuring expert educators, including teachers, tutors, doctors, academic advisors, and more! One of those amazing speakers is Mona Delahooke, Ph.D.. Mona talks all about challenging behaviors in your child. If you would like to hear Mona's talk, then you are not going to want to miss this summit! The 2020 Back to School Summit is a FREE, VIRTUAL online conference! You don't have to travel - we bring the interviews to you! They'll be broadcast over the web, so you can watch from the comfort of your home. What's more? It's FREE. You can watch every speaker's video lesson for 24 hours after it goes live. So what are you waiting for? Join me and over 20 other experts, including Mona Delahooke, at the 2020 Back to School Summit. Grab your FREE ticket today! >>> https://www.backtoschoolsummit.com/<<<

Excellent speakers!

Emotion is the experiential arc between the problem and the solution. --Diana Fosha

Playfulness heals and strengthens mental wellness. Play On. #therapy #traumatherapy #relationalneuroscience #therapistsofinstagram #therapymemes #play #playfulness